Grateful

"Sunrise on Y Mountain" by Meringuedesigns

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and it has been a busy but wonderful week. I took care of errands and appointments early in the week so I could enjoy our Anniversary on Tuesday and spend quiet time with the boys and baking on Wednesday. Over the last few weeks I've been listening to a favorite CD, "A Thanksgiving of American Folk Hymns," which has been so uplifting and set the stage beautifully for my mind and heart to focus on all that I am grateful for. Our Thanksgiving seemed more calm and restful this year. It was a long day of last-minute meal preparations and trying to squeeze in visits to both families, but the day was happy and enjoyable. My favorite part of the day came early in the morning. I had just fed Zach his early morning feeding and put him back to bed, and when I went upstairs, there was a beautiful pink glow in my kitchen and living room. I went outside to see the sunrise, and was surprised by a beautiful bright blue and pink sky. The clouds were illuminated with a cheerful, light glow, and the mountains, already snow-capped, looked so majestic. It was beautiful! The world was still quiet, and there was the most peaceful hush. I took in deep breaths of the crisp air and felt so very thankful. I went back to bed, but instead of falling back asleep, I just lay there counting my blessings. My heart felt full.

Among the many things I am thankful for, here are some that came to mind as I soaked in the peace and quiet of Thanksgiving morning:

• Sleep! Zach has gone from the world's worst sleeper to a "sleep machine," and I am experiencing a night and day difference in how I feel! He is a happier, more rested baby, and I am finally (after 5 LOOOONG months of sleep deprivation!) feeling back to my normal self. I will never underestimate the power of sleep again!
• Healing. My recovery from this baby has been more difficult than I had anticipated. Physically I bounced back pretty fast, but emotionally, I was a wreck. I now have greater empathy for women who struggle with post-partum Depression. There were lots of factors that made things difficult, but I have found healing and hope, and in the process feel so much gratitude for things as simple as a good night's sleep and things as profound as the healing power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
• "Scripture Power." As our Primary children taught so effectively a couple weeks ago at our Primary Program, "I Know the Scriptures Are True." There is power in the scriptures because they point to Christ and keep our thoughts and hearts focused on Him. I am amazed how taking even just a few minutes to read my scriptures each day helps to clear my mind and blesses me with patience and perspective.
• My boys. Starting with Grant. What a patient, loving, understanding man! He has really had to pick up the slack over the past year when I was limited by fatigue during and after pregnancy, and he never once complained. He always seeks to help and support, even when I know his days have been stressful and tiring, too. His love is one of the greatest gifts of my life. Eliot -- I have had so many moments when my heart could just burst with pride over what he has learned and who he is becoming! He knocked my socks off at our Primary Program when he sang a solo in front of the entire congregation! I was such a shy and self-conscious child, and the thought of doing that would have terrified me (it still does!). But he showed so much bravery and trust and did the sweetest job ever! He is soaking up everything he learns in preschool, has such a natural gift for music, and he has been the best big brother ever. He has not had one moment of jealousy of Zach, and I am so proud of how much he loves and cares for his baby brother. Baby Z -- I think we have a pistol on our hands!! He has so much spunk and energy! I wonder how I'll ever keep up with him AND Eliot! Heavenly Father will have to bless me with energy to match those little boys, that's for sure! I love Zach and his little personality. I love his smiles and laughter. He has brought me so much joy and has offset the anxiety and stress I have experienced this year. I love him so much and found myself thinking about life before he came to our family and how incomplete that would feel now. I love my boys. I never imagined myself surrounded by little (and big) men, but here I am, and I LOVE it.
• Simplification. One of the hardest lessons for me to learn this year has been to let go, to simplify and set aside things I love for another season. I simply have had to adjust and change my expectations of myself and others. The hardest thing I had to let go of this year was my calling. It was too much for this season. I wanted to believe before Zach was born that I could keep up with it. I had extremely able counselors and a wonderful secretary, I had so many plans and ideas, but when I was hit hard by a baby with sleep and tummy troubles and by my own emotional struggles, something had to give. I was so sad it had to be my calling, but as I counseled with my bishop, I realized there will be other seasons for service, and I can still serve and give and see those precious children, just in a new capacity. We were able to find solutions that have blessed my life. It has been so hard, but I am learning the value of doing the right thing at the right time. My current season is caring for my little ones, and that is where my focus needs to be. Which means scaling back on everything else so they can have the best of their mommy.
• Music. One of the sources of healing in my life has been music. I am not surprised to be enjoying my new calling as Primary Pianist (my dream calling) as much as I do, but I have been surprised by what I love about it. I knew I'd love staying in Primary and getting to hear all the funny and sweet things that happen (but not have to be responsible for any of it!), but I have been touched by how much playing those songs and practicing them throughout the week has lifted my spirits. Often the answers to my prayers come through simple truths taught in those songs. I have been encouraged by accompanying the children as they sing (read: belt out), "When I'm discouraged and think I cannot try, I will be courageous, and I will reply: I will go, I will do the thing the Lord commands. I know the Lord provides a way; He wants me to obey," and I have felt the Holy Ghost as play and hear the words, "I feel the Holy Spirit as He teaches truth and right. He comforts me in times of need, He testifies of Christ. He speaks to me in quiet ways that fill my soul with peace, and if I listen with my heart, I hear the Savior's voice." I love music. I love its power to heal and comfort and uplift.

I feel like I have learned so much this year. The lessons have been hard ones to learn. They have come through rough, challenging, hard-earned experience. There have been several moments when I've felt angry inside about my limitations and struggles. I remember one day expressing to the Lord that I can't be the mom, wife, ward member, friend that I need to be because of these limitations. Almost as immediately as I expressed those frustrations came the answer that I will be better in my roles because of the sensitivity and understanding I am gaining from these challenges. I will be a more compassionate visiting teacher and member of Relief Society because I know how discouragement and weariness feel. One day I will know how to succor and support my daughters-in-law and (hopefully!) daughter(s) when they have babies and need extra help. I will be able to talk a friend through a hard time because I can say with true understanding, "I've been there." And that is a blessing. Through the difficulty comes understanding. That understanding breeds love and compassion. I feel humbled. I feel deeply dependent upon the Lord for my daily strength. I feel a stronger reliance upon Grant. I feel greater love for my children, because, as I once heard so beautifully expressed by a bishopric member, "You sacrifice for what you love, and you love what you sacrifice for."

In many ways I am thankful for this year to end. I look forward to a fresh start in 2012 and feeling more like myself. There are promising changes ahead, and I know that with those come additional challenges. But I feel like the Lord is preparing me for what lies ahead. I am grateful for his trust in me, that He knows I can face the challenges He gives me, and that He knows they will strengthen my character and make me "more fit for the Kingdom." Among some of the words that have uplifted me lately, here are a few of my favorites:

"Elder Neal A. Maxwell said that the Lord made known to him that his own struggle against cancer was designed to give 'authenticity' to his ministry (see Bruce C. Hafen, A Disciple's Life, 562). In a much smaller way I feel that, because of what I have experienced, I can testify 'with authenticity' of the peace and strength that indeed come to those who cast their burdens upon the Lord." -- Brent L. Top, "When You Can't Do It Alone," ix

"We should take care not to resent the very things that help us put on the divine nature." -- " As Many as I Love, I Rebuke and Chasten," Elder D. Todd Christofferson, Ensign, May 2011

"And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." -- Mosiah 24: 14-15

I am grateful for words of comfort like these. The hope and peace I have received through many sources over the last several weeks have felt like that beautiful burst of sunlight I saw yesterday morning -- the promise of a new day, revealed in quiet, peaceful moments, that, though fleeting, bring a reassurance of light and hope and joy. I am so grateful.