Grateful

"Sunrise on Y Mountain" by Meringuedesigns

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and it has been a busy but wonderful week. I took care of errands and appointments early in the week so I could enjoy our Anniversary on Tuesday and spend quiet time with the boys and baking on Wednesday. Over the last few weeks I've been listening to a favorite CD, "A Thanksgiving of American Folk Hymns," which has been so uplifting and set the stage beautifully for my mind and heart to focus on all that I am grateful for. Our Thanksgiving seemed more calm and restful this year. It was a long day of last-minute meal preparations and trying to squeeze in visits to both families, but the day was happy and enjoyable. My favorite part of the day came early in the morning. I had just fed Zach his early morning feeding and put him back to bed, and when I went upstairs, there was a beautiful pink glow in my kitchen and living room. I went outside to see the sunrise, and was surprised by a beautiful bright blue and pink sky. The clouds were illuminated with a cheerful, light glow, and the mountains, already snow-capped, looked so majestic. It was beautiful! The world was still quiet, and there was the most peaceful hush. I took in deep breaths of the crisp air and felt so very thankful. I went back to bed, but instead of falling back asleep, I just lay there counting my blessings. My heart felt full.

Among the many things I am thankful for, here are some that came to mind as I soaked in the peace and quiet of Thanksgiving morning:

• Sleep! Zach has gone from the world's worst sleeper to a "sleep machine," and I am experiencing a night and day difference in how I feel! He is a happier, more rested baby, and I am finally (after 5 LOOOONG months of sleep deprivation!) feeling back to my normal self. I will never underestimate the power of sleep again!
• Healing. My recovery from this baby has been more difficult than I had anticipated. Physically I bounced back pretty fast, but emotionally, I was a wreck. I now have greater empathy for women who struggle with post-partum Depression. There were lots of factors that made things difficult, but I have found healing and hope, and in the process feel so much gratitude for things as simple as a good night's sleep and things as profound as the healing power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
• "Scripture Power." As our Primary children taught so effectively a couple weeks ago at our Primary Program, "I Know the Scriptures Are True." There is power in the scriptures because they point to Christ and keep our thoughts and hearts focused on Him. I am amazed how taking even just a few minutes to read my scriptures each day helps to clear my mind and blesses me with patience and perspective.
• My boys. Starting with Grant. What a patient, loving, understanding man! He has really had to pick up the slack over the past year when I was limited by fatigue during and after pregnancy, and he never once complained. He always seeks to help and support, even when I know his days have been stressful and tiring, too. His love is one of the greatest gifts of my life. Eliot -- I have had so many moments when my heart could just burst with pride over what he has learned and who he is becoming! He knocked my socks off at our Primary Program when he sang a solo in front of the entire congregation! I was such a shy and self-conscious child, and the thought of doing that would have terrified me (it still does!). But he showed so much bravery and trust and did the sweetest job ever! He is soaking up everything he learns in preschool, has such a natural gift for music, and he has been the best big brother ever. He has not had one moment of jealousy of Zach, and I am so proud of how much he loves and cares for his baby brother. Baby Z -- I think we have a pistol on our hands!! He has so much spunk and energy! I wonder how I'll ever keep up with him AND Eliot! Heavenly Father will have to bless me with energy to match those little boys, that's for sure! I love Zach and his little personality. I love his smiles and laughter. He has brought me so much joy and has offset the anxiety and stress I have experienced this year. I love him so much and found myself thinking about life before he came to our family and how incomplete that would feel now. I love my boys. I never imagined myself surrounded by little (and big) men, but here I am, and I LOVE it.
• Simplification. One of the hardest lessons for me to learn this year has been to let go, to simplify and set aside things I love for another season. I simply have had to adjust and change my expectations of myself and others. The hardest thing I had to let go of this year was my calling. It was too much for this season. I wanted to believe before Zach was born that I could keep up with it. I had extremely able counselors and a wonderful secretary, I had so many plans and ideas, but when I was hit hard by a baby with sleep and tummy troubles and by my own emotional struggles, something had to give. I was so sad it had to be my calling, but as I counseled with my bishop, I realized there will be other seasons for service, and I can still serve and give and see those precious children, just in a new capacity. We were able to find solutions that have blessed my life. It has been so hard, but I am learning the value of doing the right thing at the right time. My current season is caring for my little ones, and that is where my focus needs to be. Which means scaling back on everything else so they can have the best of their mommy.
• Music. One of the sources of healing in my life has been music. I am not surprised to be enjoying my new calling as Primary Pianist (my dream calling) as much as I do, but I have been surprised by what I love about it. I knew I'd love staying in Primary and getting to hear all the funny and sweet things that happen (but not have to be responsible for any of it!), but I have been touched by how much playing those songs and practicing them throughout the week has lifted my spirits. Often the answers to my prayers come through simple truths taught in those songs. I have been encouraged by accompanying the children as they sing (read: belt out), "When I'm discouraged and think I cannot try, I will be courageous, and I will reply: I will go, I will do the thing the Lord commands. I know the Lord provides a way; He wants me to obey," and I have felt the Holy Ghost as play and hear the words, "I feel the Holy Spirit as He teaches truth and right. He comforts me in times of need, He testifies of Christ. He speaks to me in quiet ways that fill my soul with peace, and if I listen with my heart, I hear the Savior's voice." I love music. I love its power to heal and comfort and uplift.

I feel like I have learned so much this year. The lessons have been hard ones to learn. They have come through rough, challenging, hard-earned experience. There have been several moments when I've felt angry inside about my limitations and struggles. I remember one day expressing to the Lord that I can't be the mom, wife, ward member, friend that I need to be because of these limitations. Almost as immediately as I expressed those frustrations came the answer that I will be better in my roles because of the sensitivity and understanding I am gaining from these challenges. I will be a more compassionate visiting teacher and member of Relief Society because I know how discouragement and weariness feel. One day I will know how to succor and support my daughters-in-law and (hopefully!) daughter(s) when they have babies and need extra help. I will be able to talk a friend through a hard time because I can say with true understanding, "I've been there." And that is a blessing. Through the difficulty comes understanding. That understanding breeds love and compassion. I feel humbled. I feel deeply dependent upon the Lord for my daily strength. I feel a stronger reliance upon Grant. I feel greater love for my children, because, as I once heard so beautifully expressed by a bishopric member, "You sacrifice for what you love, and you love what you sacrifice for."

In many ways I am thankful for this year to end. I look forward to a fresh start in 2012 and feeling more like myself. There are promising changes ahead, and I know that with those come additional challenges. But I feel like the Lord is preparing me for what lies ahead. I am grateful for his trust in me, that He knows I can face the challenges He gives me, and that He knows they will strengthen my character and make me "more fit for the Kingdom." Among some of the words that have uplifted me lately, here are a few of my favorites:

"Elder Neal A. Maxwell said that the Lord made known to him that his own struggle against cancer was designed to give 'authenticity' to his ministry (see Bruce C. Hafen, A Disciple's Life, 562). In a much smaller way I feel that, because of what I have experienced, I can testify 'with authenticity' of the peace and strength that indeed come to those who cast their burdens upon the Lord." -- Brent L. Top, "When You Can't Do It Alone," ix

"We should take care not to resent the very things that help us put on the divine nature." -- " As Many as I Love, I Rebuke and Chasten," Elder D. Todd Christofferson, Ensign, May 2011

"And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." -- Mosiah 24: 14-15

I am grateful for words of comfort like these. The hope and peace I have received through many sources over the last several weeks have felt like that beautiful burst of sunlight I saw yesterday morning -- the promise of a new day, revealed in quiet, peaceful moments, that, though fleeting, bring a reassurance of light and hope and joy. I am so grateful.

Zachary's Blessing

Zachary was blessed on August 7, 2011. It was a beautiful summer day and a beautiful blessing. One of the phrases that stood out most to me was that Zach was blessed with "strength of mind and strength of character." I like that. His blessing wasn't very specific, but he was blessed to be able to hear and be guided by the Holy Ghost, which, when I thought about it, is really all anyone needs to lead a happy, successful, faithful life.

We kept the circle pretty small and limited to Grant, his dad, my dad, and our brothers-in-law Tom, Sam, Eric and Justin. Our bishop, who held the mic for Grant, shared some very special things in his testimony about what he witnessed of Zach's blessing. Our bishop admitted that he peeked at Zach during the blessing, and he was touched by how alert and intent Zach was on Grant. He said Zachary seemed to be mesmerized by the experienced, as if it was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to him. Very sweet.

Here are the best pictures we got of Zach's blessing day. Thanks to my sister-in-law Tori for a few of these. She captured some really sweet moments.

Our little family. Zach was pretty peaceful for the whole event.

With my parents (left) and Grant's parents (right).

Our family members that were able to attend. Besides our parents, my sisters Sherri and Melissa came with their families; Grant's sister Brenda and her family; Grant's sister Melissa and her husband; Grant's sisters Gaylyn, Tori, and Lisa; and my cousin Becky. Even without everyone there, we're a pretty big crowd!

Zachary's blessing outfit. My mother-in-law found this in a store and thought it was just my taste ... and she was so right! The instant I walked into the store with her, this sweet old fashioned one was the first to catch my eye.

The dainty little details like the pleats, embroidery, and fine stitching around the collar reminded me of something my Nana Haycock would have chosen.

Buttons up the back made taking it on and off tricky, but so sweet!

The stitching on the little shoes matched perfectly!

These beautiful pieces -- a burp cloth and blanket, were hand crocheted by Grant's mom. She does exquisite needlework, and makes a set of these for each of her grandchildren. A priceless treasure!

I didn't get a picture of it, so it will have to remain a memory in my mind and heart, but my favorite moment of Zach's blessing day was getting him ready. Grant and Eliot had already left to go save seats, so it was just Zach and me. I had everything set out on my bed, and sunlight was pouring through the windows as I dressed him in his sweet white clothes. He lay in the bright light of that beautiful, serene morning, and cooed at the ceiling fan and smiled happily. It was a heavenly, happy little moment for me.

Zach (a little dazed by all the excitement) in his blessing outfit.

Eliot and Zach together. Tori took this photo -- the best one of the day!

My dad, Bryce, from whom Zach gets his middle name. He will deny it, but my dad was a bit of a baby hog that day. He even carried Zachary up to the front of the chapel. Grant wondered if he was going to get to bless his own baby or not! Zach's "Ampy" sure loves his little namesake.

The cutest part of the brunch we held afterward were these sugar cookies I made. I was proud of how they turned out -- both in looks and in taste! I'm a little obsessed with onesies and was thrilled to have a chance to use this cookie cutter.

Like Daddy

These pictures were taken sometime last winter, maybe on Eliot's first day of Primary. Like so many things that fell through the cracks this past year, I blame the fact that they never got posted on my pregnancy ... and post pregnancy. But I LOVE these pictures. As much or more for what they represent as for just being plain old cute.

Eliot adores Grant. When Grant walks through the door at the end of the day, Eliot bubbles over with excitement. He usually greets Grant with an excited yell, and often drops whatever he's doing to run to greet him (that's a big deal, especially if he's mid TV show or playing with something very important).

Not only do I share Eliot's sentiments ... I adore Grant, too, and believe me, there's no happier sight than when he walks through the door at the end of the day, but I am so proud that my boys have such a great dad to look up to. As I navigate this tricky path of parenthood, I'm learning that Grant and I are far from saints. We're both pretty imperfect. So I'm not going to immortalize Grant as being the "BEST" dad or a "perfect" dad. I think he'd be the first to admit he's not. But he's the best and most perfect dad for our boys. He helps me remember to be kinder and more patient. His peacemaking skills have proven invaluable in diffusing tense parenting moments, and, I think what I appreciate most about Grant is that he sets such a good example for our kids. He's gentle, his language is squeaky clean (more than I can say ... parenthood and learning to drive a stick shift have been the two situations in my life that have brought out my swearing vice ... I'm working on that.), and most importantly, Grant loves and respects me and our children.

One of my favorite quotes that I keep tucked in the front of my scriptures is this from Elder Merrill C. Oaks: "One of the most important gifts we can give our children is the simple knowledge that their parents love each other." If my boys ever have the opportunity to read these words some day, I want them to be sure that I LOVE their father. I simply love Grant. He has seen me at my best and at my worst and continues to believe in me, love me, prize me, and support me. He makes me happy, he makes me laugh, he brings out the best in me. He never judges me or criticizes me. He is helpful and proactive in our home. He is fair with others and faithful in his devotion to the Lord. He is satisfied with simple things. He is grateful. He is a loyal brother, son, and friend. Boys, I love your daddy. More than I can say. And I know he loves me. For those reasons, I am proud that you sweet little boys show in so many ways -- by dressing up his shoes and jackets, by admiring smiles, by zealous desires to help with and copy whatever Dad does -- that you want to be just like your daddy.

And the best part is that you will be ... and maybe even a little better.

Sweet Feet

I loved these little sockies that Grant's boss/office gave us

when Zach was born ...

... but I loved them even more when I flipped them over

the other day and saw these:

Proof that "bottoms" are always the cutest part

when it comes to babies!

The Halloween Door

Does that title make anyone else think of the theme song to the old PBS show, The Polka Dot Door, or is it just me? Just me ... okay.

We have sure enjoyed the many crafts and projects Eliot brings home from preschool. His teacher is so creative and does so many things to make developing those fine motor skills actually fun! Eliot has become quite the expert scissors wielder, and now "pinches" his crayons and pencils correctly and (even more miraculously!) without complaint! His coloring and painting skills are getting better and better, too (meaning, he's starting to venture from his monochromatic style into a newer, more colorful pallet). Here are the fun creations he came home with in October:

They made Frankenstein while learning about the letter F, Ghosts for letter G, Haunted Houses (one of my personal favorites ... love the shapes collage!) for letter H, and an "Icky" spider for letter I. If you were to ask Eliot which is his favorite, he would undoubtedly tell you the witch with the "bubble" (balloon) nose. A close second for Eliot would be the painted tree, because "it looks like it's on fire!" (which must be what his teacher told him). My second favorite is the "belfry bat" (and I love that Eliot knows that term now) made out of his hand prints. In true Dickinson fashion, Eliot is now obsessed with Halloween (much to the chagrin of his resistant mother, I'm afraid ... Halloween just isn't my thing, but I'm glad he's not spooked by it any more). But how could he not like it, with all the fun things he got to do at preschool this month?!