So until recently, I've been pretty much MIA this summer. As per usual, I had my annual post-law school crash. After every year of Grant's law schooling, I have come home and practically disappeared for about a month. You'd think I had been the law student with how wiped out I was once we got home from Oregon. Maybe I'm just lazy, but I've felt legitimately pooped! This time around has a bit different, too, considering our move was the "real deal." Besides the physical strain of packing, loading and moving everything, leaving Oregon was rough on me emotionally. Fitting back in here in Utah has been rough on me, too. And all of the other adjustments to be made, the changing over of insurance, finding a new place, etc. has been a bit of an ordeal. All of that while Grant's studying full-force for the Bar. So we're feeling a little bit of pressure around here.We've had some wake-up call moments over the last several weeks that have us a little nervous about transitioning from student life to the grown-up responsibilities waiting to smack us in the face once Grant is done studying for the Bar and we move out on our own like the big kids we're supposed to be. I'm sure most people, like us, are terrified by the health insurance crisis facing our country. It's not pretty. We knew changes were brewing when we received notice a couple months ago that outlined the complete overhaul that's going to happen to our private health insurance in July. I was sick to my stomach then, but I had no idea things were actually going to be worse on Grant's work's plan. Because he's working for a small firm, the offerings aren't super helpful, especially for a family hoping to have more children. The more I talk with others, it seems like these changes are here to stay. Welcome to the new reality where you pay for your own health costs. Welcome to a world where having a baby is even more of a financial sacrifice. Yep, Grown-upville is looking like a daunting place to live. I never thought I'd say the words, but student life is looking kind of tempting to go back to! I told Grant after we met with our insurance broker that I felt like we were getting kicked out of the Garden of Eden, but the crazy thing is that the Garden was law school!
Here's the even crazier thing -- underneath the slight queasiness in my gut that has been ever present this past month as we've been working through all these changes, I feel okay. I would say I even feel good, confident. There are some harsh realities to face. Those loans and their constantly accruing interest are going to be a beast. But we'll chip away at them as best we can. The world of health insurance is changing, and we'll change our mind frames with it. So the amount we would have liked to save and put down on a home is shrinking -- we'll figure that out. If we have to rent another year, we'll make it. I'm a master of fitting in cramped spaces. It will all work out.
There is something almost exciting to me now about facing the unknown. There have been a few times in my life when, like a trusting skydiver, I've had to just jump and go for it, hoping that chute would open and I'd land softly. I'm not as scared of that initial jump anymore. It's almost a rush now to look at the future and not know exactly how it's going to come together, but to feel in my heart that it will. In so many ways, I feel like the odds are stacked against us -- the economy is crumbling, it's becoming nearly impossibly to own a home, and now growing a family is going to be even more of a challenge than it has been in the past. But in my heart, those worthy goals are still a possibility. And they're worth the risk of trying to make them happen. As I was telling my dad all my worries the other day, he told me that despite how scary and hard it all is, "we can't stop trying. We've got to keep trying."
So I'm going to try. I'm going to take risks. I'm going to trust in Heavenly Father. I'm going to take a chance on His plan, that it is possible to raise a family in these very uncertain and testing latter-days. With a world around me that seems to be saying, "I dare you to be faithful and raise a family in this climate," I say back to it, "I can, and I will." Because I've learned that my family can do hard things. Because I know the Lord will show me how. Because it's possible. Hard, but possible.
I'm starting to see why I felt prompted to make faith and hope the focus of my current Book of Mormon study. Almost every day I find promises that encourage me, that strengthen my faith and renew my hope. I love and admire Nephi and Lehi for their incredible faith to leave their comforts and to face their wilderness and cross an ocean in search of their own nebulous promised land. From their example I'm learning not to murmur, to trust that "The Lord is able to deliver us," that I can move forward, even "not knowing beforehand the things which I should do." As the Lord fulfilled his word to them, I know He will do so for us. I know He is leading me and my family to our land of promise, but I know that it is my duty to be faithful and obedient.
Some of the words I live by are these from Elder Holland: "Once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. 'Cast not away therefore your confidence.' Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you." Those words were shared with me by a caring MTC teacher who could sense when I couldn't that I was afraid to make that initial leap of faith at the beginning of my mission. Elder Holland's words comforted me greatly then, and they comfort me now.
In so many ways, I feel like Grant and I just have to make decisions and be faithful, not fearful; trusting, not doubting. It's easier to take chances when you have the Spirit to guide you. My sister shared an insight with me the other day that has really helped. I was telling her about my feelings about a place we had found to live, and she said that it sounded like I felt really peaceful about it. She told me that she had recently read a talk or article in which a Church leader had taught that the Adversary can't imitate peace -- that it is a true fruit of the Spirit and a means of knowing that those feelings come from the Lord. That's what I'm "betting" on. I know that I can comfortably take a chance on the decisions that feel good and peaceful, because chances are, it's not much of a risk at all when the Lord is guiding and directing my path.
