So Many Thoughts

I have so many thoughts today. My mind has been filled by so many forms of input lately that have inspired me, educated me, helped me, informed me, even healed me.

I have been like a sponge as of late for reading. I'm currently in the middle of at least six books at a time. Some are audio books I listen to alone as I go about my chores during the day. I'm usually always listening to an audio book in the car with the kids. We are listening to the Narnia series right now, and I just loved the first book, "The Magician's Nephew." We are now into "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe," which has long been one of my favorite stories. The scene of Aslan on the stone altar and the beautiful metaphor of the Savior's suffering is one of the most moving passages in all of literature, in my opinion.

I'm reading a book my friend wrote that landed her on The Washington Post's Top 10 list not long after it came out. I am thrilled for her success, and I'm learning so much from her area of expertise. I'm finishing up a book by Sister Dalton, one of my personal heroes. I love her. I love her enthusiasm and unapologetic loyalty and devotion to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. What an example of the kind of dignified, strong woman I hope to become. She is lovely through and through, and I always gain so much from reading her messages.

I just finished two very different books which inspired me in different ways. I listened to Victor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning," which was so incredibly compelling. His firsthand account of how he survived life in a concentration camp, largely because he was able to control his thoughts and remain optimistic, was such an impressive read to me, even if quite melancholy. There is a scene in which he describes mentally envisioning his wife (who was imprisoned in a different camp, where she eventually died). In his daydream/vision of her, he felt like he could almost converse with her and was filled with so much love and hope just by thinking of her. It was one of the most beautiful passages about true and enduring love that I have ever read. I marvel at what some men and women have endured in this world. It gives me courage to face my own challenges with resolve and faith.

Right after that, I read Rachel Hollis's "Girl, Wash Your Face," which, let's be honest, didn't get a fair shake after reading Frankl's eloquent, timeless piece. The contrast was pretty stark, so her style came off a little casual and silly.  And yet, I was motivated by her no-nonsense, no excuses, tough love approach to going out and getting the work done to reach your goals. I needed that little kick in the pants. I didn't agree with all of her ideas, but it was a quick, interesting read. One that gave me a lot to think about and resolve to work harder and truly harness the thought that I am in control of my own life and destiny. I get to decide what my future looks like.

All of this has been feeding my mind during what has been a somewhat fragile process of emotional healing. I finally mustered up the courage to start into Therapy again. I attended several sessions years ago, and it was so helpful and healing. But because I had been through it before, I knew very well the physical and emotional toll that it takes to put in the kind of mental work that happens in effective counseling. It can be painful. It wears me out physically. It drains me emotionally. But it is very cathartic and very helpful in helping me manage some very strong emotions that have been slowly poisoning me over many, many years. Last week, for the first time, I benefited from a therapy called EMDR. It seemed a little strange at first, but the results were miraculous for me. Almost instantly, I felt like broken parts of my brain were healed. I felt physical relief from memories and experiences that have traumatized me for years. I feel hope to be able to move on from those painful experiences. I feel so grateful for the technology and advances that make those therapies possible. I am thankful to have the means to attend Therapy right now, and especially grateful for a dear friend who is selflessly helping me with Andrew once a week so I can go and work through this. And also thankful for an excellent Therapist. I know Heavenly Father guided me to her. She has blessed my life immensely over the last several weeks.

The last book that I am in the middle of right now is "Silent Souls Weeping" by Jane Clayson Johnson. What a gift of a book, particularly for the community of my faith. She addresses the stigma of Depression and mental illness head on, and shares example after example from individuals she personally interviewed. She even shares her own harrowing experience. Such courage. Such talent. Such a blessing for those like me who have been among those silent souls weeping from the soul crushing experience of Depression. I'm not sure why it's true, but it is so healing to know that you are not alone in the feelings you experience. Which is, I suppose, one of the reasons I share here. This illness is real. It is energy sucking. It is so very discouraging. But there is help. There is hope. There can be understanding and healing as we work together to talk more about it and tear down the stigma that exists. I'm so thankful for people like Sister Johnson for using their gifts and their experiences to advance our society's thinking on this matter. It will change and save lives. It is changing mine.

I am thankful to have positive "input" like good books to lean on as I work to help heal my mind and heart. I am so very thankful for the scriptures and the words of living prophets. I have been listening to the talks given by President Nelson since he was called to the Twelve, and it has been an uplifting, testimony strengthening experience for me. I have found answers to prayer, I have received witness after witness that he has been called of God and prepared to be our prophet. I love him, I love my Savior. I'm grateful for their words that keep me grounded and fill my heart with peace when I need it most. I still battle negative thoughts and painful memories, but these uplifting words are nourishing my soul and helping me replace the negative with things that are uplifting and positive.

Five Years Later ...

My goodness. Five whole years and so many changes. I just spent close to an hour scrolling through this blog, reviewing and remembering, reading and recalling.  I had forgotten about so much I had posted and written here. Which made me so glad I wrote and posted. One of the main reasons I'm glad is because in the years since I stopped blogging, I lost the entire file structure of my photos, and along with it, a lot of my photos. I was devastated. So much that I haven't even made the attempt to recover and reorganize them. It makes me physically sick to think about. Probably should get on that. My purpose in opening up the blog today, in fact, was to find a baby picture of Zach for a Primary leader. My computer wouldn't read the disc of his professional baby pictures, so I prayed that I had SOMETHING here. I did. Thank heavens.

As I read, my heart was touched (is that vanity or what to be touched by your own writing?!). I was amazed by my own wisdom, gratitude, and optimism. How is it that we forget the golden nuggets we learn along the way and have to be reminded by our own memories that we were once strong, and, if we aren't currently, we can be strong again.

I have missed writing. I have missed this outlet. I love to write. Always have. I love to write poetry, I love to journal. I love to look for metaphors and meaning. I love language. I love how words can capture a memory and inspire hope. I love to read the works of those who have mastered words, who can paint pictures with words. I love to read stories, real and fictional. I love to learn about places near and far and gain insight into the thoughts and feelings of others. So much can be done with words. I have needed a place for my words these past few years. I got too busy to express myself through words. It's a busy season, having young children. In many ways, it has only gotten busier. But I'd like to think I've gotten wiser in that time, also. Recently I've started weeding things out of life that don't fill me up. I've pulled way back from social media. I spend less time watching TV and especially the news. I listen to more audio books instead of news radio or the redundant music on the radio. I have dived into the scriptures in a way I haven't in a long, long time. And it has all lifted me up. I feel more filled.

Stepping back from social media has left me without a place to document our lives, however, and as I read through old posts on here, I realized the immense value of not only sharing photos, but also sharing the stories behind the photos.

So I may need to resurrect this space and share again. Mostly just for me. So I can find the pictures I need. So I can remind myself of times I've been strong. So I can dump thoughts and insights. For the sake of writing alone.