Fuller, Richer, Better: I Have Been Changed for Good

Lots of bittersweet feelings in my heart as we pack up and get ready to leave Oregon for the last time.

I'm gonna be honest -- there is a lot I won't miss. The gray clouds, the rain, the mold inside and out, inconsiderate neighbors in our apartment complex, the long hours of Grant away studying, picking up and leaving every four months -- those are things I will be happy to leave behind. But the things I will miss far outweigh the things I will be happy to give up. The lush green skyline, the fresh air, the coast, the easygoing drivers, the wonderful ward, the great parks and fun places to explore, the beautiful spring blossoms, the gorgeous skies after a storm has passed through -- I will really miss all of that.

But above anything else I will miss, I am saddened most by leaving the people we have met here. We love the people in Oregon. Everyone warned us about the liberal, tree-hugging Oregonians before we moved here, but from the moment we first stepped foot in Oregon on our trip out to find housing, we were treated so kindly and have been so impressed by how friendly and helpful people are here. It's such a laid back, easygoing place to live. Our church experience has been wonderful. Grant's relationship with his peers at school has been anything but the cutthroat, fend-for-yourself mentality that exists at so many law schools, and we have met truly wonderful people who have left lifelong impressions on our family and have made friends that we know will last forever. We came to Oregon not knowing a soul and feeling like we would be so lost and alone, and we are leaving Oregon feeling like we have lifelong friends that we plan to come back and visit on a regular basis.

I imagine that we will make a point of bringing our children back to Oregon so they can see the beautiful place that came to mean so much to us in the foundational years of our family. We want them to know and love this place like we have come to love it. We want them to get to drive through the Columbia River Gorge and hike around Multnomah falls, to drive down the coastline and see the beautiful haystack rocks and lighthouses, to visit Salem and see what a peaceful, family-oriented community we got to be a part of while Grant was in law school. And in those visits I hope we will get to introduce our future little ones to some of the wonderful people who became cherished friends during this formative time in our life.

There are not words to express my love and gratitude to the many people who have extended their love and friendship to me and my family during our time in Oregon. My eyes well up with tears when I think that I won't have my dearest friends close by to go on walks with or have play dates with the kids or meet up at the park. I will miss the wonderful women I loved and laughed with in Relief Society, and I will miss the quirky humor of the Young Women I served. I will miss my little piano students and their amazing moms and families. The remarkable ladies I got to rub shoulders with through visiting teaching, the other law student couples and families ... we have met some wonderful people.

In the day of e-mail, webcams, blogs, and Facebook, I know it will be easy to stay in touch and feel like I know what's happening in my friends' lives. We will no doubt be able to swap pictures and funny parenting stories and rejoice in each others' successes as we continue to raise our families. And hopefully Utah is a central enough meeting ground for our LDS friends, so they'll get to come see us from time to time, too. But I will miss the day-to-day interactions. Oregon is not just where Eliot took his first steps, but it's also where I took my first wobbly steps of parenthood. This is where I became a mom and established my little mommy routine; it will feel strange to start that all over in Utah and find my place there again in a life that I never really lived there.

One of my biggest worries is that it will become far too easy to depend on my family when I'm back in Utah, and as a result lose one of the greatest strengths I gained here -- to learn to depend on others and become family to people because you need them and they need you. My friends became my family here because I had no one else to help me. Eliot benefited from the nurturing care of women in my ward and friends who welcomed him into their homes because I couldn't just drop him off at Grandma's or my sister's place. I had to humble myself and admit to other women when I was struggling or needed a hand because I couldn't just run to my mom's for a cry session at the kitchen counter. And as nice as it will be to have family close by to help when I need it, I'm afraid I won't form as tight of friendships once the need to really rely and depend on others is removed.

With so many uncertainties ahead, there is one thing I know for certain: I have seen the fulfillment of this quote from President James E. Faust: "Life is fuller and richer and better for those who are not afraid to make a new beginning." It's no coincidence that I came across that quote in the months leading up to our decision to come to Oregon for law school. It gave me courage then, when the thought of leaving my home and comfort zone made me cry myself to sleep at night. I was so scared to start over. I was terrified to have Grant gone all of the time and be alone with a brand new baby. And it was hard. There were lots of tears, lots of pleading on my knees for comfort and courage, lots of wondering if we could really do it, if the end would ever come. And now that the end is staring me in the face, I'm now wondering if I can go back to that life I was so terrified to leave. Because my life has become fuller, better, and richer by making a new beginning. I have seen and appreciated a new place I might not have otherwise ever seen. I have had experiences that have humbled and tutored and taught me. I have become stronger. We have become a stronger family. I have met people, angels, whom I know Heavenly Father placed in my life to help me through this stretching time. And I can't imagine my life without them. And my life will forever be different because of their powerful influence on me and my family.

My favorite song from the musical Wicked perfectly describes what is in my heart right now with regard to the people who have blessed my life during our Oregon years. Maybe this is over-the-top cheesy, but I truly feel that I have been "changed for good" by the people I have met. Because of them, my life is fuller, richer, better.

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn, and we are led to those who help us most to grow, if we let them, and we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true, but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun, like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part:
So much of me is made of what I learned from you. You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have re-written mine by being my friend.

Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea, like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But because I knew you, I have been changed for good. ...

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better,
And because I knew you, ... I have been changed for good.

A friend of ours once drew a comparison between leaving law school and leaving his mission. He said that when got to the end of law school and started seeing applicants or new admitees show up on campus, he felt none of how he felt as a missionary at the end of his mission when he saw the new missionaries arriving and wishing he could trade them places. We couldn't agree more -- we wouldn't do this over again if someone paid us a million bucks (or maybe we would so we could pay off our loans?) -- we are SO glad law school is over! And at the same time, I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. It is what has built my character as much or more than my mission experience did. I know now, I truly KNOW, that my family and I can do hard things. And for all of those reasons, I count myself fuller, richer, and better for these three years. And now as another "new beginning" is right in front of us, I am trusting that life will be fuller, richer, and better as we make this next big change. I trust that Heavenly Father will "guide the future as He has the past."