Mother Hearts

One of the most tender messages I have ever heard given about motherhood was given by Sister Julie B. Beck, who was at the time a counselor in the general Young Women's presidency of my church. She is now the general Relief Society President of the Church, the organization which I belong to and serve in at a local level. The talk Sister Beck gave years ago, "A Mother Heart," rings in my ears as one of the truest, purest declarations of motherhood that has been shared in our time. That phrase -- "a mother heart" -- is now the phrase and almost an image that comes to mind as I am influenced by remarkable women who are involved in the great and eternal work of mothering.

My own mother, my sweet "Lil," is unquestionably at the top of my list when I think of women who possess a "mother heart." If you have not met my mother, I don't know that I can possibly describe her to you in a way that would communicate all that she is and does. I hope everyone feels that way about their mother, or at least someone who has been a mother figure in their life. My mom is the kindest, most giving, most unselfish, most pure-hearted angel that I believe walks the earth. For barely reaching five feet in stature, she has a powerful presence that is quiet yet unmistakable. It's not that my mom is assertive or dynamic or commands attention; in fact, I think Lil's greatest strength comes from the fact that she is so understated and sweet and humble. I am inspired by her ability to relate with and communicate love to anyone, but particularly with children. It is especially endearing to me to see my own son relate to my mother. There is a very tender and real relationship there. Eliot is genuinely excited to see her and to be in her presence. Lil's secret? Love. Pure, undeniable, genuine love. Which is probably what having a "mother heart" is all about -- possessing that kind of love.

While I am not one for public "shout outs" or glorifying (or for that matter, embarrassing) friends, I don't think I could blog about the topic of motherhood without recognizing two amazing women who have blessed my life over the past year through the greatness of their "mother hearts." Both of these women have endured great heartache and worry this past year as they have bravely faced great challenges in their roles as mothers. And each has done so with faith and perseverance in a way that has changed me, a simple bystander, forever. My own mother heart swells with love and admiration for these sweet moms.


This is my friend Mary and her son Max. You wouldn't know it to look at him, the healthy, feisty little one that he is (maybe not so feisty in this picture, but trust me, he is!), but Max underwent open heart surgery, not once, but twice, by the time he was four months old. He is, as Mary puts it best, one tough little fighter. But of course he is; he gets that from his parents, including his sweet mommy, who, despite many great obstacles piled on her plate at the same time, helped Max through his challenges with faith and hope and optimism. Mary's "mother heart" pounds with courage, cheerfulness, and faith in better, brighter days. In the midst of her darkest hours, she was always thinking of others, constantly aware of others' burdens and seeking to help and lift and lighten. When Mary learned of Max's heart condition at her 20-week ultrasound last September, Mary became the world's most diligent biology and anatomy student, and studied and learned all that she could so that she could understand the doctors and surgeons who would help Max. She then selflessly "translated" all that jargon into every-day terminology on Max's blog so that friends and family could also understand what was happening to little Max. And when Max was born Mary lovingly cared for him and her little Morgen, who's just a little bit older than Eliot, even though that meant long days inside, often alone, since Mary's husband Spencer was studying for the Bar exam, and all of that on little to no sleep. And when Max's condition took some unexpected turns and Spencer and Mary ended up preparing their infant son for surgery much sooner than expected, they cheerfully submitted and worked through those long, uncertain hours with great optimism and patience. I will never forget the day I visited Mary in the hospital before Max's first surgery. Though Spencer was down to his last few weeks before taking the Bar (which, if you're not familiar with the process, means hard-core pressure), you'd never know that they were facing such immense stress. They were happy and positive. They were thoughtful and gracious. Months later, Max has received his second surgery and is recovering well, thanks in large part to his mommy, whose tremendous mother heart was prepared long before this life to care for her little son, Max, with a mighty heart of his own. And watching them through this time of great worry and concern has blessed my heart forever. My heart has been softened and strengthened and has become more tender as I have watched my friend Mary and the power of her mother heart.


Then there's my dear friend, Misty. Misty is the mother of four beautiful, personality-filled children: Hannah, Ian, Olivia, and Isaac. Misty's mother heart, which is as devoted and wrapped up in motherhood as they come, bears the special burden of only getting to mother three of these little sweethearts in this life. Just a little over an hour after Isaac was born on April 8, 2009, he returned back to his Father in Heaven, and Misty made the ultimate sacrifice that any mother could make: she gave up her child. Misty knew early in her pregnancy that that day would come. Doctors quickly recognized at Misty's 20-week ultrasound that Isaac suffered from a condition called Anencephaly, a condition which is completely fatal. Misty courageously opted to carry Isaac full-term, despite his condition. In the last several weeks of her pregnancy, she, if you can imagine, made burial arrangements instead of preparing a nursery. She bought clothes and blankets in which she would bury her son instead of hold and rock him in. I sobbed as I read on her blog and talked with her on the phone as she recounted to me that she would often have to leave a store because she'd see an adorable outfit for a baby boy and then realize she didn't need to buy it, and would almost break down right in the store. Though I can never fully comprehend her pain, I agonized with Misty as she told me about her husband taking the crib down shortly after they received the news about Isaac's condition, and my heart broke when Misty told me that she realized one night as she was bathing her children that she could cross "baby shampoo" off her grocery list. I wept as I attended sweet Isaac's funeral and saw Misty cradle and kiss her baby for the final time in this life. The victory of Misty's mother heart, to me at least, is that Misty goes on to mother and love her children -- all four of them -- despite the fact that her heart was shattered by this life-changing experience. She is gradually and slowly putting those pieces of her mother heart back together and trying to find how to go on in her new "normal." The great miracle of it all has been to witness her unwavering faith in God. Rightfully so, Misty has felt anger, sorrow, grief, devastation, loss, and so many other feelings, but more often than not I have marveled at her blog posts in which she has declared over and over that "God is good" and has witnessed again and again that she knows she would make it through, that her son is perfect, and that she will see him again. Misty's mother heart beats with an unmatched will to survive, to move forward, to continue mothering, to keep trying. She does it with a sense of humor, with realism that is endearing, with strength that is unparalleled.

Sorry to tug at your heartstrings or even make you cry. But as tender as these examples of motherhood are, they are also very much real, and they have served as strengthening agents in my life. I guess you could even say that they have changed my own heart. I can't say that I am noticeably more patient with Eliot day in and day out as a result of seeing my friends -- these sweet examples of motherhood -- face great challenges in their own mothering, but I do believe that I have a greater resolution in my own "mother heart" -- as faintly as it may beat sometimes -- to cherish my son a little more, to be a little more gentle and kind, to be grateful for his messes, tears, mischief, and yes, even tantrums. I am trying to be a little more humble and less judgmental in my approach to mothering in general. I am trying to support all women a little more -- since, as Sister Beck so wisely points out, "some of the truest mother hearts beat in the breasts of women who will not rear their own children in this life" -- because I've learned that you just never know what someone else is going through, what pains or aches they may carry in their mother heart.

Perhaps the best parting thought I could add is this quote from another favorite address on the topic of motherhood, this time given by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (And watch for his reference to hearts): "May I say to mothers collectively, in the name of the Lord, you are magnificent. You are doing terrifically well. The very fact that you have been given such a responsibility is everlasting evidence of the trust your Father in Heaven has in you. He knows that your giving birth to a child does not immediately propel you into the circle of the omniscient. If you and your husband will strive to love God and live the gospel yourselves; if you will plead for that guidance and comfort of the Holy Spirit promised to the faithful; if you will go to the temple to both make and claim the promises of the most sacred covenants a woman or man can make in this world; if you will show others, including your children, the same caring, compassionate, forgiving heart you want heaven to show you; if you try your best to be the best parent you can be, you will have done all that a human being can do and all that God expects you to do" (Because She Is a Mother," Ensign, May 1997, 35).