In Need of Understanding ...

If you're reading this, then you're probably someone who's enough a part of my life to be checking in on me out of love and concern. And for that, I thank you right off the bat. But I have another favor to ask of you. I am in need of additional understanding right now.

For quite some time, I have been grappling with the reality that I struggle with depression. In a recent post on her blog, my older sister, Melissa, who fights her own battles with depression, said this, which I find to be absolutely true: "I'm here to tell you that it's a very real issue and not something that you can just wish away or ignore. I have so much compassion for those who struggle with mental and emotional issues. It's a triumph some days just to get out of bed and get the kids fed." As much as I have fought to wish away and ignore my own real struggles with depression -- which is a real illness, not an indicator of a lack of faith, a lack of self control with regard to emotions, diet, exercise, etc., -- I have been largely unsuccessful. It's not something you can "snap out of," make go away by trusting more in the Savior's Atonement, or exercise or pray away. Believe me, I've tried.

So first of all I need you to know where I'm at. Maybe that will give you some understanding as to why I don't return phone calls or e-mails some days (or a lot of days). Hopefully it sheds some light on why at times I shy away from play dates or ward activities. Why I can be a little hermit some/most days. As my sister said, some days it's a victory for me to get out of bed, hopefully shower, and just function at a normal level to make sure Grant and Eliot are fed and cared for. Over the past week or so, I've dreaded having to go out even just to the grocery store. I feel gross. And because I feel so gross on the inside, I feel that even my outward appearance is gross (and some days, depending on the level of hygeine I was able/not able to muster the strength for, I'm sure I do look gross).

I'm not asking for your pity. And please don't bombard me with e-mails and phone calls, because to be honest, I don't really want to talk about it. What I want and need is to find solutions, prayerfully, personally, and realistically, so that I can move forward, find my "normal" life again, even if this burden is never completely lifted from me. That process will probably be slow, and really only needs to involve me, Heavenly Father, and my little family.

So what am I asking for? Just your understanding. Just for you to know what's happening in my world so you don't think I'm a slacker or an avoider or psycho or whatever number of things my "vibe" may be giving off these days. I have come to love and appreciate those angels in my life who don't judge me, who don't act awkwardly around me even with this great "flaw" of mine, who haven't pulled back on their friendships and love for me in fear that I may be extra needy or that my "problems" might mean experiencing some ugly or inconvenient moments with me.

There are so many people in my life -- most anyone I've met over the last couple of years -- that I would love to introduce my "old self" to. I feel like the members of my new ward and anyone I've met since we've moved to Oregon have gotten the short end of the stick. How I wish they could meet the "old" Monica. I was so enthusiastic, such a go-getter, relatively funny, spiritually in tune, and I used to smile and laugh so much. Sure, I'm a decent faker, so you might even think you've seen all those sides of me, but I know I'm not my old self a lot of the time. I know that Monica is still in me, and she shows up from time to time, especially when those angels in my life bring it out of me by laughing with me and loving me. I will get that back, I know I will. I will be the happy, proactive, energetic wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend that I dream of being. I don't expect perfection. I don't expect I will be ever fully rid of this struggle. But I know there will be breaks in my clouds, because I've been promised them. And I know there is joy as great or grander than the depth of my sorrows. It will come. I just need to have faith in the Lord's timetable, but I do know the changes I so desire will come.

Hang in there with me, okay? You will just love the Monica that's really in there. Down in there. I love her and am fighting hard to get her back. Thanks for loving who I am right now in the mean time.