Guarding Childhood

I think by now I have watched this video two dozen times. I am captivated by it. Each time I watch, I fix my attention on a different child, reaction, or comment I hadn't noticed before. I see smiles, wonder, curiosity. I hear giggles, sighs of wonder, squeals of excitement. I feel hope, happiness, and comfort. I delight in the power of a simple activity to catch the attention of children of an age span of over 12 years (longer, if you count the adults who were pretty interested, too).

Perhaps not by coincidence, I watched an interesting movie this weekend, the theme of which centered around guarding childhood. Though a somewhat simple and often silly show, I was struck by the profound message that there are those appointed to guard children's dreams, hopes, fun, and memories. Surely that is one of my greatest roles as a mother, particularly in this stage where my children are still so young. I don't know that I always do the best job of creating the gentlest haven for their innocence, and I know I could do so much more to cultivate their wonder and imaginations. But sometimes, like on the perfectly sunny day captured in this video, I get it right. And it is magical. It is amazing. It is a privilege.

I am coming to understand now why God glories in His role as a parent. He, the great Creator and source of hope, peace, and happiness, delights most in His children. And He shares that deep satisfaction with us as he allows us to become like Him; to become the parents who guard His children.

"For behold, this is my work and my glory -- to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man."
Moses 1:39

Our Home History ...

My sister texted me today and told me that a grocery store near our first apartment was torn down, which led me on a trip down memory lane. Grant and I have moved a number of times in our 10 years of marriage, mostly because several of those years we spent as students and did a bit of back and forth for internships, jobs, and schooling. I remembered that I have taken photos of each of our places but have never gathered them together. Maybe this won't be terribly interesting to anyone but me, but I've always wanted to gather these pictures together and see the progression (sometimes digression) of our home history.

First place: 907 S. 600 W. #4, Provo, UT (top right of the fourplex)

Albeit in a pretty sketchy neighborhood of South Provo (if you're familar with the area, we lived right where the railroad tracks, freeway overpass, and Backman Foundry all intersect, not too far from the Boulders apartments, which frequent the news quite a bit, and not for good reasons!). Not the nicest area, for sure, but it was our home for almost three years, from when we got married in November 2002 to when we moved across ward boundaries to the "nice part of town" in August 2005. We loved our neighbors, our ward, and have lots of crazy/funny/scary memories of this place!

Second place: 1020 S. 236 W., Provo UT (left side of the duplex)

We loved our first ward so much, but wanted something a little nicer with a little more room, so once we graduated and started working full time, we rented this condo in the Peach Tree complex just north of the Provo Towne Center mall. We had the best neighbors and best experience here! This was the home we brought Eliot home to. We have many fond memories of this light and bright condo. Our landlords, the McKells, were salt of the earth people; we loved them so much we still send them Christmas cards! 

 

Third place: Grand Oak Apartments #62, Liberty Road S., Salem, OR (top right)

This was our first apartment while we were in law school. Eliot was just six weeks old when we moved here. Our original plans for housing fell through, so we luckily got into this place as a last-minute plan B, thanks to the help of our friends Spencer and Mary Kelly, whom we met by total coincidence. They ended up being our back-door neighbors, and it was such a blessing to live close to them! Spencer was in his third and final year of law school, and Mary also had a new baby boy, so we became fast friends and loved our year living close to them. We instantly fell in love with our our ward in Salem, the Salem 5th Ward, and for the time we were in Oregon, it truly felt like home. This apartment was where Eliot learned to crawl and say his first words.

Fourth Place: 695 Palisades Dr., Salem, OR

We got to house sit this home in a beautiful neighborhood for a couple who had been our home teachers our first year of law school. They went on a mission to Hawaii, so we lived in their place while they were away. It was definitely a lot more space than most law students ever get to enjoy (as the one who cleaned it most of the time, maybe it was too much space!). We were spoiled by the enormous gourmet kitchen, spare rooms for guests to come visit (we had lots that year!), plenty of entertaining space for holding showers, church meetings, law school group bar-be-cues ... what a great opportunity! This was where Eliot took his first steps and learned to climb. The views through the panoramic windows on the back of the house were spectacular; the area was heavily wooded, and we frequently had deer and hundreds of birds (a blue heron even spent one morning perched on the neighbors' roof!). And no, we didn't have to take care of the yard -- they had a groundskeeper to do that! Some of my favorite memories here included teaching piano lessons to Bentley and Lexus Cook and my sweet friend Glenda Wardell, and also re-learning how to sew and making baby towels.

Fifth Place:  Fox Hollow Apartments, #135, Liberty Road S., Salem, OR (bottom right)

It was back to reality for our third year of law school. And what a reality check we got! This apartment was a comedy of errors with all the problems we had ... mold galore, flooding when the girls above us overloaded their washing machine, all night yipping from their 10 (yes, 10!!!) dogs/puppies (they originally had three, then the chihuahuas had 7 puppies). We were not sad to say goodbye to this place, as much as we hated to leave Oregon and the wonderful places and people we had grown to love. Some of my favorite memories of this place include holding play school with some of Eliot's best friends, Hudson Godfrey, Savannah Church, and LoraLee (Lolly) and Shannon Kunzler. We would rotate houses each week, and I loved having the kids come play and learn at our house! Like I did at our other Oregon homes, too, I also mastered canning, jam-making and bread/roll baking in this apartment. We also bought our first piano, a small digital version, while living in this home.

 Sixth Place: 884 W. 920 N., Orem, UT

We really struggled to find a place to live in Orem after we moved back from law school. We felt "done" with apartment living at that point (especially after the shenanigans we went through our last year!), and wanted a place that felt a little more grown up. One day I was driving in a part of Orem I usually never went, and saw a row of town homes and thought I should look into them and see if there were any for rent. Sure enough, there was, and it was a lovely, spacious home with tons of storage, and for the first time in our married life, a garage! The setup wasn't ideal, with the master upstairs and the other bedrooms downstairs, but I loved, loved, loved the roomy kitchen and plentiful storage. We spent two years in this town home, and welcomed sweet baby Zach into our family while living there. Just two weeks after moving in, I was made the Primary President of our brand new ward and was told by the bishopric that they had been praying for someone to come to fill that calling ... so I guess stumbling upon the place was inspired?! We made wonderful friends living in this ward, including families with whom we still hold play dates, and my dear friend, Teri, who lived just a few houses down from me and became my second mom. Some of the roughest times of my life I experienced in this home, and yet I feel great peace when I think back on my experience there. It was a quiet place to live in a great location, and with HOA-provided yard card and snow removal, it was the perfect transition to a "real" home while Grant was busy launching his legal career. We didn't have much of a backyard for Eliot to play in, but we did back onto the church parking lot, which was great for riding big wheels and scooters.

 Lucky #7: 375 S. 780 W., Lehi, UT

Our first official home of our own! Never in a million years did we plan to live in Lehi! We scoured the listings in Orem and Provo but just weren't happy with what we were finding. Because Orem and Provo are so established and conveniently located to businesses, schools, and amenities, the real estate is pretty pricey for what you get. The only things we could find in our price range were old and dated and needed a ton of work. We just didn't have time, money, or the desire to take on lots of DIY projects, so we expanded our search and found this nearly perfect place in Lehi. It's a bit of a commute and not as close to some of our favorite amenities as we wish it was, but we get the chance to discover a new community (sometimes if feels like an entirely new world -- things are a little different in Lehi, especially the west side!). We like the small-town feel of Main Street and love having rural fields and livestock right around us, and we're learning that there really are just about all the stores and restaurants we're used to pretty close by, we just need to get used to it. Grant and I both grew up in Orem, so we're used to knowing it backwards and forwards and knowing all the best back roads to take to avoid traffic -- I'm sure we'll have that all figured out by the time we're ready to leave Lehi (or will we leave Lehi ... who knows?!). For now, we're loving the fenced-in yard, beautiful landscaping, just-right size of house to keep up. There are lots of trees, a great sandbox (and now a play set!) out back, plenty of kids in the neighborhood to play with, and the perfect area for the boys to learn to ride their bikes ... it's the perfect "starter" home for this family that's lived in lots of homes before finally buying their own! Big milestones in this house include Zach's first steps and Eliot's first bike ride. We look forward to making many wonderful memories in this home, and hopefully it will be many years before we even have to think about finding home number eight!!

Play set!

You know you're a parent when your eagerly awaited tax return goes toward ... nope, not updating kitchen appliances or replacing your beat-up, ugly kitchen tiles with beautiful new hardwood, but instead, a play set for the kids. And although my huge list of projects in the house will have to wait just a bit longer, I am giddy over this little outdoor oasis for the boys. And as much as I might claim this project wasn't "for me," I'd be lying, because having a fenced-in mini park in my own backyard is going to be heavenly! I can send the kids out to play and run off all their little boy energy without having to worry, because I can see them from my kitchen and family room windows. Hurray!! After years of rental living and never having an outdoor play space of our own, this is a long-awaited luxury! We are really excited with how it turned out, and even more excited that we were able to get the products we chose after doing quite a bit of research, all within budget. The set we chose was a Lifetime set that Costco.com was offering. We went to their store in Orem, and they offered us the same deal without having to worry about shipping. Perfect.

Here's the set, in the northeast corner of the year (where the garden was, for those who've been to our house). I'm not a huge green thumb, so a planter box or two will work great for me! The mulch we chose was rubber mulch, and that's probably my favorite part (seriously!). It was pricey, but I think well worth it. My dad's a Risk Manager by profession, and he really pushed for that product if we could afford it. It's by far the best as far as injury prevention (and we do have two rascally boys ...). Besides that, we won't have to worry about bugs, decay, or splinters. The only down side we've found so far is that it can stain clothes (no white or fancy clothes allowed!).

Mr. Z's favorite element is his swing. One of the special Costco offers was that it came with this bonus bucket seat. He would swing and giggle all day if I let him!

 

Eliot showing off his daredevil slide tricks. The slide is a bumpy one, and it's fast! I went down it and got a bit of a rush, and the kids really get good speed! Good thing we sprung for the rubber mulch!

 

The little playhouse at the top is darling and full of fun activities. There's a chalkboard with painted tic-tac-toe, hangman, etc., a captain's steering wheel, working binoculars, and imprinted stars on the inside roof. I envision lots of picnic lunches and special "boys only" meetings up there in the coming years!

I honestly think the set was worth every penny we spent and every hour of hard work. Our awesome neighbor helped dig out the yard with some of his heavy machinery, Grant and I laid the weed guard and plastic edging, Grant's dad helped us build the set (in literally freezing weather, no less!), and my parents helped us lay the mulch. Each step took longer and was way more work than we anticipated, but listening to the boys squeal and seeing them play with their friends and cousins has been priceless! Next time you're in the neighborhood, come play with us!

Easter

I love Easter. I love the tender spirit that comes with reflecting on the Savior, His life, death, and Resurrection. I love the music of Easter. I love welcoming in springtime and new life. I love celebrating with family with delicious meals, and yes, I love the treats! This year we offered to host Easter for the Dickinson family because 1) we have the perfect yard for hiding eggs with all the landscaping, and 2) we just put in a play set that we wanted the cousins to help us initiate! We celebrated on Saturday, and it was a lot of fun, and a beautiful day. The Easter Bunny himself even made a surprise appearance! We had our usual kids' and adults' egg hunts, and for the second year in a row, I struck gold! (Well, actually, this year I got the silver egg ...) Yay!

Grant's sister Gaylyn made a very playful Easter Bunny!

 

Eliot wanted in on the dressing up action!

 

Me and my sister-in-law Brenda with our boys, along with the Easter Bunny holding sweet baby Brooklyn. Notice Z keeping his distance. He hates costume characters! Cried his eyes out when he met Mickey and Santa, and wanted nothing to do with the Easter Bunny. 

 

I quickly snatched up offering to make desserts so I would have the excuse to make my favorite carrot cake and try out some new Our Best Bites cupcake ideas ... which, if I do say so myself, turned out darling!

 

LOVED this idea from Our Best Bites, and it made the perfect visiting teaching treat! Little egg cartons (a dozen size cut in half) with their adorable printout, filled with mini cupcakes ... so cute! And I was so glad I found the gummy carrots at Target so I didn't have to make my own like they do at OBB. I did not have time to be rolling out Starbursts and cutting up Twizzlers!!

On Easter morning, it didn't take Zach long to figure out that the eggs were filled with candy. He could care less about looking for hidden eggs, so long as we kept opening the ones he found (or that Eliot found) and giving him jelly beans ... I have only myself to blame for his sweet tooth!

 

 Eliot was perfectly content to take advantage of his brother's distraction with the candy and rake in all the loot ... 

 

Mr. Reader Eliot kept getting distracted by the new books he and Zach got in their baskets. I try to keep Easter pretty simple, but the boys always get a new book, along with a needed item (this year Eliot got a replacement watch, since the one he got at Christmas went through the wash and broke, and Zach got a new pair of sunglasses). In my basket this year, I got a new CD of primary songs I wanted, a bottle of bright nailpolish, and a new scarf. I had a hard time thinking of things for Grant's basket, so I gave him cash in an egg ... which I think he was more than happy with!

 We had contemplated skipping dyeing eggs this year since we had so much going with hosting the family party, but Eliot would not have it! This and watching the movie "Hop" are two of his favorite traditions!

 I always loved getting a new dress at Easter when I was a little girl, and I adore dressing up my boys on Easter! These little blazer jacket and tie outfits I found were too irresistible! There were only a few left by the time I got to them, but they had my boys' sizes! Little pinstripe shirts, gold buttons, and bright green ties ... be still my heart!

 

 We were a wee bit late to church because of this photo shoot, but I knew I only had one chance at getting them with their entire ensembles in tact and hair freshly combed!

I really liked holding most of the festivities on Saturday, because it gave us the chance to make Sunday more relaxed and focused on Christ. Boiled eggs made for a quick breakfast, everyone's crashed out for naps as I type, and we will warm up some yummy leftovers for dinner. After dinner, we will do my favorite Easter activity, going on our "Easter Walk," based on this sweet book we received from my mother-in-law a few years back.

It's an active, interesting way to teach little ones about the true meaning of Easter, and the touching story makes me cry every time. I feel the power of the promise of the Resurrection every time we read it, and I love the opportunity it gives us as parents to testify of Christ and all that He has done and all that He means to us. Happy Easter, everyone! Hope yours was filled with joy!

You Tell on Yourself

My 5th grade teacher, Mrs. Cornell, is one of the people who most influenced my love of literature, especially poetry. She had a deep passion for poetry, and had us commit to memory several poems, and not just of the Shel Silverstein sort. Some of the ones I remember most are Joyce Kilmer's "Trees" (which runs through my mind every time I drive through Oregon and see the lush green skyline), Joaquin Miller's "Columbus" (her other great passion was American History, particularly the story of Columbus), along with several passages from the scriptures, including 2 Nephi 9:41, which we repeated together on our last day of class with her (I attended a private LDS elementary school, of which Mrs. Cornell was the director).  I attended her funeral a few summers ago, and it was a joy and a privilege to celebrate the life of such an amazing, bright, passionate woman, a woman who influenced so many lives through her great gift of teaching. It is a testament to her abilities and to the power of words, especially when joined with music or poetic verse, that over 20 years later, lines of the poems she taught me in her 5th grade classroom, still pop into my mind. This morning, I found myself thinking through the stanzas of this wonderful poem:

Tell On Yourself... 

You tell on yourself by the friends you seek, 

By the very manner in which you speak, 

By the way you employ your leisure time, 

By the use you make of dollar and dime. 



You tell what you are by the things you wear, 

By the spirit in which you your burdens bear; 

By the kind of things at which you laugh, 

By the records you play on the phonograph. 



You tell what you are by the way you walk; 

By the things of which you delight to talk, 

By the manner in which you bear defeat, 

By so simple a thing as how you eat. 



By the books you choose from the well-filled shelf, 

In these ways and more, you tell on yourself; 

So there's really no particle of sense 

In an effort to keep up false pretense. 

Jamie Sidwell

Coloring

We go through a lot of coloring pages at our house. Eliot didn't show interest in coloring for a long time, but over the past year or so, it has become one of his favorite indoor activities. And since Zach needs to be one of the big kids and do everything brother does, he recently wanted in on the action, too. I thought he'd do a couple scribbles and get bored, but no. He sat for almost a full half hour, switching out crayons and coloring happily away. He seemed to instinctively know that he's supposed to color where the images are and not just all over the page. Smarty pants.

 Why are little hands with chunky crayons so cute?!

I love this one of him lying on his tummy!

And then there's detail-oriented Eliot. I got him a giant box of crayons for Christmas, and he has become meticulous about color selection ... maybe to a fault. He got so upset about the notion of finishing a coloring project from preschool without the exact same crayons that Ms. Jen has, Ms. Jen gave him his own pack of "her" crayons to keep at home. And don't worry that his 96-count pack is organized by color (that's my boy!). 

 Disney Junior characters, especially Jake and the Neverland Pirates are some of our favorites!

 

I also love seeing Eliot's original drawings. This is one he brought home from church recently:

It's the story of the First Vision. See if you can follow the story from top left corner to bottom right corner: Joseph in the woods, the light appearing, Heavenly Father and Jesus appearing to him (top right corner, kind of hard to see, but Jesus has a red robe), then the darkness when they disappear, and then Joseph going to tell his dad what happened.

Some of my favorite times are when Eliot asks me to sit down and color with him (I do love to color!), and we sit side-by-side and work on our waxy masterpieces together. Every now and then I'll draw a word or two of praise from Eliot, and he'll ask me what I think of his work. So cute.

Provo Tabernacle Temple ... Unbelievable

Take a look at the most recent progress on the Provo City Center Temple ... this is unreal!

Thank goodness for a tall hubby! Since almost the entire site is fenced off with construction fencing, only Grant's height made this vantage point possible!

 

They have literally dug out underneath the old Tabernacle, and have the entire framework (now fortified from the inside by a cement layer -- you can see it through the windows) is supported on scaffolding. It is unbelievable, especially when you see it in person! I have been bugging Grant for months to make sure to tell me if anything new is happening at the construction site (the court in Provo is just a block away from the old Tabernacle, and I'm never down there ... so I'm counting on him for updates!), and he kept shrugging and saying there wasn't much going on. Then I saw this aerial shot
 the other day on Facebook of the supported structure, and Grant was in the dog house! (Not really. :) I am so grateful we were able to catch this in person before it gets filled in. It was a landmark point in the temple's progress, for sure!

 Nope, not tepees! In the northeast corner of the temple lot sit the spires (is that the right word?) to the original Tabernacle, which I'm guessing they're hoping to preserve. Again, amazing since you can see obvious  fire damage on most of them. Could this process be any more miraculous?!

Tracking the boys' growth as we watch the temple's progress! We were so glad the builders left a few gaps in the mostly covered-up construction fencing around the lot. It's kind of funny/scary to watch the heavy traffic on University Avenue slow in those couple spots so the passengers/drivers can catch a glimpse!

 Mom and Dad, too! Photo courtesy of Eliot.

We can't wait! But watching the process is pretty amazing!

I just marvel at this temple construction. The construction of any temple is a miracle, but this labor of love seems a little extra monumental! The effort the Church is going to in order to preserve this historical building is inspiring. I cannot imagine being the engineers and construction crew entrusted with this very delicate project. Every time I am on the site, I can't help but get teary-eyed. This place means so much to us, and this process is just incredible to be a part of! Here's an article detailing more specifics of the temple's construction.

The Boy's Got Moves

I have tried, but have been unable, to explain Zach's dance moves. You have to see it for yourself. I should also explain that Eliot's ape-like crawling around is him acting like Tarzan (since the music is from Tarzan). We love ourselves a little dance party from time to time ...

Stories with Peppy

There are so many times when I have longed to hear my granparents' voices again. I was old enough when my mom's parents and my dad's father died that I have vivid recollections of them and can "hear" their voices in my head, but I wish I had more ready access to recordings of their voices, because I miss hearing them. I miss hearing my Nana, as she would look up at me from her 4-foot-something height, say how much she looked up to me. I miss my Grandpa's laugh. I miss my Papa teasing us about our latest fashion choices (he would always get after us for the holes in our jeans when that was the style, and say how sorry he felt for us that our parents couldn't afford nicer pants for us!).  

In that vein, I decided to take a few videos of my dad reading to the boys last night. He bought them a beautifully illustrated book of children's stories for Christmas, and every time he comes, he makes a point of sitting down and reading with Eliot (sometimes Zach sticks around, but mostly just to tease and taunt!). My dad is an avid reader; I inherited my love of literature from him. So he could not be prouder of his little reading buddy Eliot. He loves to open up the Book of Mormon and "test" Eliot's ability to pronounce just about anything (I think he has yet to stump Mr. E). I love the photos and videos I got last night, and hope someday they will be a treasure to my boys. I love listening to my dad read. He always reads stories to us on Christmas Eve, and I love his expressions and the smoothness of his reading. These are priceless to me.

"For what?"

I was really touched by a story told by a returned missionary in our Sacrament Meeting yesterday. He recently returned home from serving in Mexico, and told a story about a young boy he met on a bus. It was the end of a very long day, and he and his companion were exhausted. Miraculously, there were two empty seats on the bus, something he said never happened there. People would cram onto the bus, and they almost always had to stand. After only a few minutes, though, the bus picked up a mother with her young children, and the Elders, exhausted as they were, knew they needed to give up their seats for the family. They did, and stood in the aisle near the family. One of the little boys, maybe three or four years old, stared at the Elder, particularly at his name tag. The Elder, who was quite fair, was used to the Mexican children staring at him curiously, and didn't think much of it until the boy started asking him questions. He asked the Elder his name and then asked him if he was the one who gave up his seat for them. The Elder told him he had. The young boy asked him why. The Elder explained that he just wanted to help them. The young boy then pointed to the missionary's tag and asked what he did. The missionary said he did his best to explain to the small child what it is that missionaries do. He said he struggled to explain the scope of his efforts in basic terms that a child could understand. He told the child he was a missionary. To which the child asked, "for what?" The missionary tried to explain that he was a missionary for the church of Jesus Christ. Again the question, "for what?" He told him again that he just wanted to help people. Once again, the child asked, "for what?" At that point in the story, the returned Elder became emotional and said that the boy's simple question was a life-changing moment. The more the little boy pressed him about the real reasons why he was doing what he was doing, the more the Elder had cause to think about the purpose behind his efforts. Why (or, as it was asked in Spanish, "para que" or "for what") was he giving up two years of his life to be a missionary for the LDS church? For what was he exhausting himself day in and day out to try to share a message with the people of Mexico, most of whom didn't care what he had to say? For what was he giving up his seat on a crowded bus that day? He went back to his story and said that he tried his best to explain to the small boy that he just wanted to help everyone he met be able to go back to God someday, because he believes that God is our father and we are His children. It was such a sweet story, but the point he made afterward was what really touched me and made me think about my own life.

The Elder's talk was about listening to the promptings of the Spirit. When he had finished telling his story about the little boy on the bus, he shared the principle that when we understand the "why" (or "for what") we're doing what we're doing or believing what we believe, it's not hard to listen to and follow the promptings of the Spirit. He said we won't question or be inconvenienced by what God asks us to do because we understand why we should follow it. We will know what God is trying to accomplish by giving us those feelings, and we won't hesitate to obey. It was such an eye-opening concept to me! I think it's really true. Once we have planted in our hearts not only what believe but why we believe it, following God's plan becomes so natural. Awesome.

That concept of allowing the "for what" drive daily actions really struck home with me regarding my current feelings about motherhood. I have been struggling the past couple weeks (maybe longer?) with feeling ineffective in my role as a mother. I feel like I've just been getting by. I have had successive days of butting heads with each of my boys and often feeling like a complete and total failure. I feel like I'm missing it, like I'm just "getting through" this experience instead of making the most of it. I know these days of my boys being little and innocent and so malleable is so fleeting, but I have yet to really dig in and be a present, completely committed mom (though some days I feel like I should be committed!!). The talk in Sacrament Meeting got me thinking about whether or not I truly understand the "for what" of my role as a mother. I feel like I understand enough about eternal families and God's plan to know how important it is to be a mom and help my children come to love and follow Christ. I really do believe in and feel strongly about what I'm doing, but I don't know if I have it truly planted in my heart. Otherwise why would I feel so unhappy and ineffective as I trudge through my days of laundry, wiping up messes, and picking up toys for the umpteenth time? I felt prompted by the Spirit in yesterday's meeting to find out for myself and plant more deeply in my heart "for what" I'm doing all of this anyway. If I don't know or understand my purpose as a mom, how can I hope to be a good one?

My hope is that as I study and learn and receive personal revelation regarding the importance of motherhood, I will be less burdened by the daily living of motherhood. I hope the principle shared by the missionary transfers -- that, just like when we understand why we follow Jesus, listening to the Spirit becomes less burdensome, the same will hold true with understanding my role as as mother and the daily work and challenges will become less burdensome. Now it's up to me to do that first step, though, to put in the work of studying and seeking to understand this role that I'm actively living but maybe not reaching my full potential at quite yet. I want to succeed at this. This is all I've ever wanted to do. And yet, as I've confided in Grant recently, it doesn't feel good to fail in your dream job. I know that motherhood is difficult, often thankless work. I know it's not glamorous most (or any!) of the time, but I know the potential is there to love it and thrive in it, even with all of its inherent difficulties.

I am grateful for that returned missionary's reminder that there is purpose to our sacrifices. We have to stay focused on our purpose as God's children, no matter what our current role. For his season of life, it was imperative that he stayed fixed on his goal of working tirelessly each day to teach God's children so that they could one day return to Him. I don't know that my role is very different. I'm not out tracting and trying to share a message, but I am working to exhaustion each day as I try to teach my two young boys. And my goal is the same as a missionary's -- to bring God's children back to Him. Both jobs are exhausting. Both jobs require every ounce of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual energy you've got. I remember vividly how I would feel at the end of the day as a missionary -- it was the most total fatigue I had ever experienced. My body was worn out, my brain was tired, my emotions were spent, my spirit was drained. Only now am I coming to understand that the fatigue I feel as a mother is very similar. In my head I guess I've always put missionaries' work on this lofty plain, unmatched by any other efforts in life. But what are mothers except lifelong missionaries? As a missionary, I at least had the comfort of knowing I'd get a full night of uninterrupted rest (maybe not on Saturday nights when the Discotec was thumping into the wee hours of the morning). As a missionary, I could hold out for the next Zone Conference, when there would be a day full of spiritual uplift, stacks of letters from home, gathering with other missionaries to boost each other up, and getting to have a special meal together to gear up for another month or so of grueling work. There aren't always "days off" or breaks as a mom. I do have highlights to look forward to -- cousin sleepovers when my wonderful in-laws take the boys for a weekend so Grant and I can get a breather (bless their dear souls!); every once in a while there's a family vacation or special date night to look forward to. But it is work. It is hard work. What I need to remember, though, is just like when I was a missionary, it is God's work. And for that reason, it is noble work. It is work worthy of my best effort. It is work to be proud of. And there will be a grand harvest awaiting at the end. Just like my efforts in Spain didn't always produce tangible results, there are lots of days as a mom when it's easy to say I've accomplished nothing. But I know in my heart that's not true. Baptisms and even teaching lessons in Spain were quite rare; but the change I saw occur in other people and also within myself was very real, even if it couldn't be counted on paper as a goal reached. I need to remember the same is true as I help my children. The changes I'm seeing in them and within myself as we learn and grow together may not be apparent to everyone else. We may not reach any lofty goals together, at least not by the world's standards. But what is happening in our home and in our family is very real, and it's also eternal. We fall short a lot of the time, but we are trying really hard as a family to be like our Savior and treat one another and others with love and kindness. I know that my daily work, everything from teaching my children to pray to convincing Zach to at least try his vegetables, is part of an eternal work of bringing to pass the eternal life and immortality of God's children. So I will try harder to find joy in the small victories and prize the big ones. The teaching from Elder Ballard that "the joy of motherhood comes in moments" rings in my ears all the time. I really do try to savor those moments, but I think where I could do better is to recall those moments and cling to them in the tough times. So next time Zach is challenging me, I will try to picture him folding his arms and bowing his head voluntarily before prayers (or sometimes as a reminder to pray!).  Next time I'm having a battle of wills with Eliot, I will think of the sweet notes he has written me or the times he has told me he loves me completely out of the blue.

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. Ether 12:27

My Favorite Valentine's Day

Back in the day! (The night before Grant left on his mission, June 1999.)

Valentine's Day and I haven't always had the best relationship.  I can't say I hate it, but I don't get super wrapped up in it, either. I loved it as a little girl -- prepping my valentines and my decorated shoe box to take to school and then giggling as I rummaged through the contents later that day, hoping for a special note from a friend or a card from the boy I thought I was cute. My favorite year was when my sister Melissa helped me make my box look like a phone with heart-shaped buttons. I thought it was so cool! I remember my mom making awesome Rice Krispies Treats shaped like Hershey Kisses -- she would use a funnel to shape them and then wrap them in (sprayed!) aluminum foil. We would help by supplying the handwritten tags -- strips of white paper with "Hershey's Kisses" written in blue colored pencil. That's one of my favorite memories.

Then I became a teenager, and along came all the self-consciousness that definitely comes with adolescence and sometimes comes with Valentine's Day. Junior High Valentine's Days felt like the rest of Junior High -- mostly awkward. Luckily, while I was in Junior High, I met my lifelong BFFs, and my high school Valentine's Days became bearable, especially with the help of the "Val-o-grams" our Seminary would facilitate every year. You could pay for little heart-shaped note cards, write a message on them, and then they would deliver them to you throughout the week leading up to Valentine's Day. Note-passing gone public. And everyone loved it. I remember getting an especially meaningful one from a boy I had gone to Sadie Hawkins with the previous fall, but we never made it to the dance because we got into a car accident on the way to the dance. He told me in the note how sorry he was that he had never asked me out since to make up for it (and then he never did ... which is okay but a little silly!). It meant a lot to me that he would think about that and send me such a thoughtful note.

Other than that, I can't say that I ever had any very special Valentine's Days. I seemed to always break up with my boyfriends right before the big day (coincidence?!).  I remember my second year at Ricks, I had gone home for my birthday weekend, and decided to make giant sugar cookies to take back to my roommates. They were the biggest, yummiest, cutest-decorated cookies I have ever made. I have tried to replicate them in years since, but have never been able to.  It was so fun to surprise my roommates with a box of special treats and celebrate our friendship together.

The other day, however, I did remember that I DO have a special Valentine's Day on the books.  I flew home from my mission on February 13th. Grant was at the airport when I got home. I was grateful that his sister prepped me for that with a letter I received in the mail literally the day before I flew out. Otherwise I would have been completely blindsided! Grant and I weren't boyfriend-girlfriend while we were on our missions. In fact, we both left a different significant other at home. But we had been close friends for almost six years by the time I got home from my mission, and he had been a great support to me while I was on my mission. Our missions overlapped about 10 months, and I loved having a friend that could relate to my experiences. I loved that we both learned Spanish, and that he was far enough along in his mission by the time I was starting mine that he could reassure me that I really would be able to understand and speak the language during the times when I was so overwhelmed and frustrated. He shared great advice for me about getting along with companions, becoming a trainer, loving the people, and throwing my heart into the work. We definitely grew closer through that experience. I love that in some ways we "shared" our missions. And even though our fellow missionaries knew that we had each been "Dear John/Janed" by our significant others, we each got teased whenever we got letters or packages from the other. The Elders in my district would (tactfully, of course) say, "Hey Hermana, we thought your boyfriend dumped you." To which I would dully reply, "He did, thanks." "Then what are these packages?!" they would say as they dropped off our mail from the mission office. "They're from a friend," I would say. "Hm, mm," was their answer, "Friends don't send packages like this." I'm glad to know Grant got his share of teasing, too. I ended up in a Spanish class at BYU with some of Grant's mission friends the summer after I got home. When we pieced that connection together one day, one of the guys said to me, "Hey, you're 'Spain girl'!" Cute.

So when I flew home from my mission, knowing Grant was going to be there waiting, I admit I was pretty nervous. The girl I was sitting next to on the plane, also a returned missionary, kept teasing me about how many times I went to the bathroom. I admit, I was a nervous wreck. And I was SO awkward with Grant! For 18 months I had lived a "no boys" lifestyle -- it was no flirting, no dating, handshakes-only, serious business! How the heck was I supposed to talk to a boy who meant a lot to me, a boy I had dated before?! I didn't know. So I greeted him politely (probably with a handshake) and muttered something about needing to go get my luggage. Luckily, he understood completely, and just smiled as he watched my freshly returned missionary weirdness in action.  It was very late at night, I was completely jet-lagged, could barely speak English, reeked of all the cigarette smoke that had been blown on me for the past 16 months in Spain -- what an awesome impression to make after not seeing him for over 2 1/2 years!

Fast forward to the next jet-lagged day. I popped up right out of bed, read my scriptures at the kitchen table, feeling very weird to not have a companion sitting right next to me, went to the dentist appointment I had begged my mom to make (I could tell you stories about dental work in Spain ...), and hung out in a dress for the rest of the day, wondering what I did with myself before mission life.  Imagine my horror when Grant called and invited me to ... an Air Supply concert, of all things! Wow, forward! I felt bad declining his offer, because we both felt like that would be the awesomest night of mocking cheesy 80s love ballads ever (our relationship has always been filled with sarcasm, and to this day I regret missing such an opportunity!), but besides the trickiness of racing up to Salt Lake City right after being released, I didn't feel right about ditching my family on my first full day home. My mom was already in process of making one of my favorite dishes (you can't walk out on sweet and sour chicken!!). So ... I invited him to dinner. I did. Grant came and had dinner with me and my family on my first night home. He sat in the hot seat, right next to my dad, whom I remember clearly looking completely baffled and maybe even mouthing the words to my mom, "Didn't she have a different boyfriend when she left?!" Not really, but I think given what the guy who sent me out had put me through, not to mention he just barely got his daughter back from a year and a half of living abroad with minimal contact, my dad was understandably in protective mode.  

So that night, Valentine's Day of all days, we had dinner with my family. Grant survived a fair amount of grilling from my dad, who raised an eyebrow at Grant when he mentioned he was considering law school (my dad's an attorney and has worked tirelessly at talking Grant out of his decision, probably since that night!). I gave Grant the Barcelona soccer jersey I bought him. We snubbed each other's Spanish, and he told me all the words I was saying that were completely offensive to Central and South Americans (for which all the missionaries I taught at the MTC should be forever grateful!). He took me for a ride in his pride and joy at the time -- a '93 red Ford Probe (there are more stories to be told about that beauty ... another day!). He held my hand. I knew things were headed in a good direction. I was surprised how quickly (hi, day after I got home!) it all started coming together. I was so immensely grateful to not have to enter the dating game again. I felt in my heart that things were meant to be with Grant, that there was a reason Heavenly Father kept nudging us together and reminding us what great friends we had in one another.

Grant and I have both admitted to each other that we each secretly hoped things would work out between us. It wasn't something we necessarily dwelled on or tried to force, but it was one of those relationships where you could see yourself with that kind of person and thinking, "It would be really cool if that worked out." That was the year Valentine's Day and I turned a corner. I think I knew then that every Valentine's Day after that would be different. I would have something to celebrate instead of avoid or just survive. I don't know that we're fanatics, and I definitely do not believe you have to have a significant other to enjoy the holiday, but looking back on V-day 2002 makes me smile. Because it was the beginning of Grant and Monica being together. For good. Forever. And like most of our story, that night is filled with funny, goofy, awkward, happy, but also very sincere and very loving feelings.

2012 in Review

JANUARY

Zach got his first tooth and started crawling

Eliot started swim classes again to keep his busy body busy

Awesome Triple D triple date with friends!

FEBRUARY

Celebrated Mommy's birthday

Zach sat by himself for the first time!

Eliot's first experience giving/receiving Valentines at school.

Lots of swimming for Mr. E, who finally learned to submerge!

House hunting and touring plenty of duds (with stories to tell!).

 

 MARCH

Had a blast at cousin Maddie's b-day party at a gymnastics center

Built a snowman on the first official day of Spring!

Found THE house ... in Lehi?!

Plenty of silly antics indoors while waiting for weather to warm up!

Eliot participated in a Sports Camp at the Rec Center and liked basketball and soccer best.

 

 

 APRIL

Had an egg-cellent Easter!

Attended the Thanksgiving Point Tulip Festival for the first time and got more excited about Lehi living!

Raised our own butterflies and marveled at the miracle of life.

Zach's first ambulence ride and hospital stay for an RSV-like virus. :(

 

MAY

Celebrated Mother's Day with a wonderful preschool program and some of my all-time favorite photos of me and the boys.

Cousin Evelyn was born!

Enjoyed a trip to Farm Country with aunties and cousins.

Celebrated Daddy's birthday!

Eliot's graduation from Miss Konni's preschool.

Closed on our HOME!!

 

 

JUNE

Grant awarded Appellate Court Attorney of the Year at a conference in Midway (and Monica got to join him for a weekend getaway!)

Summer preschool for Eliot so mom could pack and clean!

Met Baby Evelyn!

Mom's second 1/2 marathon!

Zach's first birthday!

Moved to our new house!

Cousin Ruby born!

Eliot's 5th Birthday and first bike!

Attended our first-ever Lehi Roundup Rodeo (and loved it!).

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JULY

Said goodbye to Z's curly locks at his first haircut :(

Balloon festival and donuts as a family

Hosted pancake breakfast and BBQ at our house on the 4th of July

Belated Birthday party for Eliot and his best "mateys"

Pioneer Day at Lagoon with Dickinsons. Eliot is hooked on thrill rides!

Splash pad play dates and lots of popsicles and park time!

 

 

AUGUST

Baby Ev's blessing in Logan

Owlz game

Saturdays on the lake -- our favorite part of summer!

Dino museum with friends ($2 Tuesdays at Thanksgiving Point .... not a good idea!)

Last pool parties and trips to the waterpark for the year

Backyard campout at Grandma and Grandpa's (where Eliot proved brave ... as long as he could have a portable DVD player in the tent!)

Eliot started preschool and music class

 

 

SEPTEMBER

Second year attending Timpanogos Storytelling Festival, which did not disappoint

Zach's second hospital stay, this time with full-blown pnemonia

Brigham City Temple Dedication, where Monica's mission president spoke

General Relief Society Meeting and dinner out with Dickinson girls

Eliot LOVING school at Miss Jens and gobbling up books!

Grant became Professor Dickinson when he took on teaching a Family Law class at UVU one night a week!

 

OCTOBER

First time to Cornbellies as a family -- what a blast!

General Conference, complete with sweet rolls for breakfast!

Family pictures in the front yard of our very own home!

Lost of impromptu leaf parties in the front yard.

Mommy-Eliot date to Heehaw Farms for Preschool field trip.

Fall family picnic at Discovery Park in Pleasant Grove

Grant privileged to ordain his best friend Benito as a High Priest (in Spanish!).

Halloween costume parties, trunk-or-treat, and family parties!

Monica hosted a baby shower for Grant's sister -- so fun to think pink!

 

 

 

  

NOVEMBER

Enjoyed gorgeous fall leaves ... and raking a ton of them!

Voted in the big election!

Had the time of our lives in Disneyland!

Celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary on Thanksgiving Day!

Received a surprise doorbell-ditched fresh Christmas tree!

Zach's third hospital stay of the year ... pneumonia again.

 

 

 

 

 

DECEMBER

Zach finally decided to walk!!

Lots of testing for Zach -- allergies, blood work, sweat chloride -- all came back negative (phew!)

Cousin Brooklyn born!

Polar Express train ride in Lindon!

Eliot learned a valuable lesson about putting things down vents!

Beautiful white Christmas, first in our own home!

Birthday parties, lunch dates with old friends, family holiday gatherings!