Christmas 2012

As I looked back over our photos, I realized some of my most cherished memories of the season went undocumented, but we did manage to get several that I love all the same. Here's a summary of our 2012 Christmas season:

We received this beautiful fresh tree as an "anonymous" doorbell ditch a few days after Thanksgiving. What a generous, heartfelt gift! It made me so happy to smell that smell of my childhood and think of the generosity and love that went into such a thoughtful surprise!

Christmas would not be complete without a cousins sleepover at Grandma's, complete with making gingerbread houses! Thanks, Grandma Gail, for undergoing such a big endeavor with four busy boys!

We mailed our Christmas letters to Santa. Eliot's request this year: A Jake and the Neverland Pirates "Bucky" ship, and Zach's: a snuggly new friend to cuddle (according to Eliot's big brother intuition, anyway!).

Enjoyed Eliot's preschool program. The kids were so darling in their jammies and Santa hats!

As a very special surprise, Grant came home from work to attend Eliot's program. I had been telling Eliot all week that Daddy probably couldn't get away from his busy schedule that day, not wanting him to be disappointed, but Eliot insisted that Dad would of course make it! Grant surprised us both when he showed up. What a great gift to make a little boy's day!

 

We taught Zach "Feliz Navidad" (not really). :)

 

We loved getting cards from loved ones near and far. I try not to pick favorites, but this year's was probably our friends' the Beahms, who had the most beautiful picture of Santa holding their new baby girl, with awestruck big brother and sister looking on (can you spot it?). It was too precious.

The boys got some special gifts this year, like a homemade "SuperEliot" cape from aunt Mar Mar ...

 ... and a special Logan City garbage truck from Peppy (with working dome light, headlights, and garbage can lift!).

 Added leaving "Magic Reindeer Dust" for Santa's reindeer (thanks to Miss Jen!) to our Christmas Eve tradition ... (and had a beautiful white Christmas for the first time in years!).

 And, in Eliot's words, "got spoiled" on Christmas morning!

 We all got new p.j.s and mediocre sleep on Christmas Eve ...

 We woke up to a perfectly sunny Christmas Day, and got to play, play, play the morning away!

And maybe our best present of all -- we kept this little one healthy and out of the hospital! (And he got the funnest cozy coupe shopping cart and play food!).

Polar Express Party

Eliot asked to have a Polar Express party sometime last summer ... and the season finally arrived! Because of Z's health struggles, we kept the guest list small and invited over Eliot's buddy Christian from next door and his cousin Mikey.

The boys got their own tickets, 

  Played trains while watching the movie (they were very inventive and made a frozen lake for their train to cross, just like in the movie ...), 

... and paused for refreshments after the "Hot Chocolate" scene -- Christmas cookies, including gingerbread trains, and, of course, hot chocolate!

12-12-12

I heard about so many cute ideas last year for 11-11-11 that I wanted to make sure we didn't miss the chance to celebrate 12-12-12!  Here's a sampling of what we did:

1. Ate 12 Cuties slices with breakfast ...

2. Watched Zach take 12 wobbly steps ...

(He figured out walking just a few days before.)

 

3. Colored and cut out 12 hand-made ornaments for the tree ...

(Including our "family," shown at the bottom -- Dad's the tall tree, Mom's the angel, Eliot's the snowman, and Z's the little tree)

 

4. Listened to 12 songs on iTunes ...

5. Sent 12+ texts to loved ones to wish them a happy 12-12-12 ...

6. Jumped 12(+) times on the trampoline ...

7. Gave 12 wrestles, er hugs ...

8. Read 12 stories, including a chapter of E's latest favorite, "Jack and Annie" (The Magic Tree House series) ...

We also:

9. Gave the boys a 12-minute bath,

10. Let Eliot have 12 minutes to play on the computer

11. Read 12 scripture verses, and 

12. Wrote down 12 things we're thankful for:

• Eliot: Baby Brooklyn, Christmas lights, all of our family
• Mom: our beautiful, fresh Christmas tree (an over-the-top surprise left on our doorstep this year!), Daddy, the Savior
• Dad: Mommy, our boys, our house
• Zach: Milk, walking, toys and stuffed animals

(I should probably clarify that Baby Brooklyn is the boys' newest cousin, born Dec. 10th!)

Miracles

My house is quiet, and for the first time in a very, very long time, my heart is also quiet.  As 2012 draws to a close, I am tired, but I am peaceful.  This was a fighting year.  It was a year in which I reclaimed much that was lost.  It was a big year.  It was a celebratory year.  We bought our first home and got our first taste of what owning a home really means (a lot of work).  It was a worrisome year.  Less than 48 hours ago I returned home from Zach's third hospital stay for serious respiratory distress.  The stays are more frequent, and they are getting longer, not shorter.  During our last stay, a doctor recklessly threw out a term Grant and I did not care for one bit.  It would mean a life-changing diagnosis for Zachary and our family if it were to prove true.  I don't think it's true.  I hope it's not true.  But I don't know.  Time and testing will tell.  My heart and mind aren't ready to wrap around that one yet, so I won't.  In this moment I feel peace.  In this moment, my baby is in his own crib sleeping soundly.  And I am profoundly grateful.  A century ago, we would have lost Zach. I know that.  But I live now, in a day and age of medical advancement and miracles that make it possible for him to bounce back in a matter of days.  My heart spills over with gratitude when I think of the pioneers and those in earlier days who didn't have emergency rooms and nebulizers and oxygen tanks and X-rays and fast-acting medicines.  Add to that my gratitude for having the great fortune of knowing about the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ, to have immediate access to the priesthood, to be able to hold my baby who is fighting to breathe and tell Grant, "He needs a blessing ... now," and that blessing offers comfort and healing and expedites Zach's recovery.  I felt in a very real way the joined faith and prayers as friends and family were notified of Zach's condition through phone calls, text mesages, and Facebook posts.  Immediately I was flooded with offers to pray, put Zach's name on temple prayer rolls, with words of encouragement and support.  I believe those offers to pray were more than just nice words.  I believe they contributed to Zach's surprisingly quick recovery.  I believe they were what made the difference between almost being sent to Primary Children's Hospital to making an overnight turnaround that stunned all of the doctors, nurses and respiratory therapists.  My cup overfloweth.  I believe in miracles more than ever.

Another miracle has come to me in recent months.  Even for some closest to me it may have gone unnoticed.  But it has been deep and real and profound.  I have been extended the great gift of mercy and have experienced in a very real way the miracle of forgiveness.  For over five years I have battled with a heartache that was more than I could handle.  My world was turned upside down by an unexpected trial, and the circumstances of my life at the time were such that I was completely unable to deal with the trauma, so I did the only thing I could to survive and put it far away on a back, back burner.  But more than just not dealing with it, I made the situation worse for myself.  I let all of the hurt, pain, and anger (all of which was enormous) fester inside of me.  I slowly poisoned myself with my own bitterness.  I finally reached a point this past year when I knew I needed help.  I saw no way out.  I did not believe that my problems could ever be solved in this life, and yet I had to keep living.  But I knew the way I was "living" was no life at all -- not for me, not for my husband, not for my kids.  I was miserable.  I was deeply depressed.  I was so very angry.  At one point, I sadly recognized that the description in the scriptures of being "hard-hearted" applied to me.  I had no idea how anything could ever change, but I knew it had to.  I pleaded, though somewhat half-heartedly, with Heavenly Father for help.  I don't think I fully believed He could fix things, but I knew that if He couldn't help me, no one could.  And fortunately, in His great love and mercy, He helped my unbelief.  He took my particle of faith, and slowly, patiently, He began to work with me.  Honestly, my feelings were so numb initially, that I did not notice His workings with me.  But He guided me, at a pace I was comfortable with, to the right people, music, literature, conference talks, scriptures, and slowly, almost imperceptibly, my heart began to change.  Hope began to sprout where it had long-since been dead and shriveled.  I started to believe things could change, and where my outlook had once seemed so bleak and insurmountable, I began to envision reconciliation.  My heart was softening, which was a miracle all by itself.

But the true miracle occurred when I was able to forgive and to seek forgiveness.  Through circumstances, the timing of which was nothing but divinely orchestrated, I was able to finally let go of my anger, fear, and frustrations.  In the moment that my long-held feelings of hurt ceased to matter, I felt my burden physically lifted from me.  In a way that I can't explain, I literally felt lighter.  The sick feeling in my stomach that had been a nearly constant companion for years was gone.  It was gone.  The irony is that the situation that caused my sorrows had not changed one bit.  To this day, the situation that had caused me such internal agony has not been resolved.  God didn't change my circumstances, but He did change my heart.  For so long I had firmly believed and stubbornly insisted that I could not feel at peace until wrongs had been righted, apologies made, and great efforts extended to remedy all the damage done.  By holding to that imaginary rule, I held onto my pain.  I wouldn't let it go.  It was wounding me and making me so unhappy, but I clutched to it so tightly.  My biggest regret now is that I didn't let it go sooner.  Not to say the letting go was easy.  It wasn't.  It isn't.  There are still days when my feelings about certain people and situations surges inside of me and that anger and hurt starts to creep back in.  It takes vigilant effort to keep it from taking over again.  But I am now a firm believer in this truth shared by President James E. Faust in a conference talk given in April 2007 (just a month before tragedy struck my life, incidentally): “Keep a place in your heart for forgiveness, and when it comes, welcome it in.”

What was it that allowed forgiveness to finally come, and for me to be able to welcome it when it did?  First and foremost, I have to attribute what happened to me as a miracle made possible through the Savior's Atonement.  I can assure you that on my own I was unable to let go of such a deep level of pain and sorrow.  He alone could take that from me.  And He did.  I am humbled to think of the price associated with my freedom.  He paid the ransom for my anguish through His own personal agony.  I have always loved the Savior and believed in Him.  I have always loved Him for His sacrifice for me.  But not to the extent that I now believe and love and appreciate.  It is only through His mercy that my pain has been lifted.  But I also believe, as with all matters of faith, effort is required on our part.  I have had to work and struggle and humble myself to get to this point.  I had to sit through talks and lessons at church that were uncomfortable and sometimes hurtful to hear.  I had to let go of my opinions, feelings, frustrations and keep my mouth shut in moments when I wanted to say something but knew it was not helpful for needed.  I have to have faith that situations that are difficult and uncertain will eventually start feeling natural and comfortable again.  I have had to climb out of an emotional mud pit.  All of that has been with God's help and mercy and through the help of others He has placed in my path.  It has been hard.  It has been humbling, but with Him, it has been possible.

The critical moment of change came through General Conference.  Two  talks stand out in particular.  In the general Relief Society Meeting, something to this effect was said, "All that is unfair in the world can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ."   The entire message and spirit of that meeting were very much what I needed at that time (even though in the moment, it was so hard to hear).  But the real moment that pushed me to action was this quote from President Henry B. Eyring from the general meeting: "Many of you, as I have, have felt fear in approaching someone you have offended or who has hurt you. And yet I have seen the Lord melt hearts time after time, including my own. And so I challenge you to go for the Lord to someone, despite any fear you may have, to extend love and forgiveness. I promise you that as you do, you will feel the love of the Savior for that person and His love for you, and it will not seem to come from a great distance."  When he said those words, I knew in that very moment what I needed to do, and that I needed to do it soon.  I was so scared and didn't know how it was possible.  But within less than two weeks, the opportunity presented itself, and the result was a sweet moment of forgiveness given and forgiveness accepted.

I am so thankful for the miracle of forgiveness.  It has been the greatest blessing I have experienced this year.  My world is so different now that I have allowed the clouds of anger and pain to disperse.  I feel the sunlight of hope again.  Forgiveness is not easy.  It doesn't come without a price.  But it is possible.  With Christ, all things are possible.  I know that, because He took my very hardened heart and softened it.

Ten

Grant and celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary on Thanksgiving Day this year. When we chose our wedding date, it never occurred to us that our anniversary would end up coinciding with Thanksgiving, but we have celebrated two anniversaries now (#5 and #10) on Thanksgiving Day.  I love it.  Grant and our marriage are two of my greatest blessings.

When we had our family pictures done in October, I told my friend that one of my main objectives of the photo shoot was to get nice pictures of the two of us in honor of our 10th Anniversary.  I LOVED the pictures she got of us together.  I might even go far enough to say I love some of them as much as I love my favorite engagement pictures.  I love that these pictures were taken in the front yard of our first home, which we bought in this landmark 10th year of our marriage.  I love how happy Grant and I look.  I love that the extra wrinkles on our faces that weren't there 10 years ago tell their own story of hard work, long days and nights, and lots of effort to make our marriage and family strong.

There is too much to say about my feelings for Grant.  Recently, a woman I very much admire lost her husband very suddenly at age 53. She has shared her experiences and feelings through tender, humorous, and sweet blog and Facebook posts.  I always knew she and her husband loved each other dearly.  In the short time I have known their family, I have loved watching them because they had a very special relationship.  They were fun, quirky, loving, kind, giving, down-to-earth, hardworking, easygoing ... awesome people.  You wish things like this didn't happen to the people who are really getting it right in terms of how they live.  But reading about her experiences and her ongoing love for her husband has made me want to work harder to prize what I have and not take for granted the time I have with Grant.  I want to live with more gratitude for every day I have Grant physically by my side.  I want to more fully enjoy being able to hold and touch him, being able to hear his voice and his laugh, to be more grateful for having a husband to help me with repairs and odd jobs around the house ... all the things my friend is missing so much. My goal for the next year of our marriage (and beyond!) is to be more grateful for those simple things.

In celebration of our first 10 years of marriage, here are 10 highlights of what we've accomplished and done together:

1. HOME of our own!
2. Beautiful boys
3. Long years in law school
4. Vehicles (red Ford Probe, silver Saturn sedan, gray Honda Accord, green Ford Ranger)
5. Wards (Freedom 1st in Provo, Salem 5th in Oregon, Sunset Heights 8th for summers with Grant's parents, Timpview 5th in Orem, Chapel Valley 1st in Lehi)
6. Years as students (2002-2005 as undergrads, Grant @ UVU and Monica @ BYU, 2007-2010 for Grant's law degree @ Willamette)
7. Vacation destinations (Disneyland, Lake Powell, St. George, Las Vegas, Southern California, Hawaii, Oregon)
8. Addresses (two in Provo, three in Oregon, two in Orem, one in Lehi)
9. Anniversary Trips (4x to Park City, 1x to Midway, 3x to Salt Lake City, 1x to Portland)
10. Jobs (Grant: Security @ Novell and Convergys, Juvenile Work Crew supervisor, clerk @ Fourth District Court, clerk and then attorney @ Moody-Brown Law; Monica: MTC teacher, supervisor and training coordinator, secretary @ Liahona Magazine, Spanish tutor, Piano teacher, and production work for BizVision)

Anniversary roses, 2012

Disneyland + Little Boys = Magic

Our big 10 year anniversary trip was ... a trip to Disneyland with the boys!!  Maybe not a sunny, relaxing cruise or a luxurious trip to New York City that I may have initially envisioned, but honestly perfect for this time of life!  This is the stage of life we're in -- with busy, happy boys, and what better place to spend the celebration of the founding of our family?!  Grant and I honeymooned in Disneyland/southern California, so it was a little nostalgic reliving those magical memories, but even more magical seeing Disney through the eyes of our children.  Zach was maybe too little for much of it to soak in, but Eliot was the perfect age.  So caught up in all the excitement of the characters, old enough to do a lot of the rides, and so excited about EVERYTHING!

 Beautifully sunny on our first day there!  (Maybe a little too sunny for our sensitive blue-eyed boys!)  80 degrees sure felt nice after leaving snowy Utah!

 We were there the day after they turned on the Christmas lights!  So pretty!

We went with Grant's sister Brenda, her husband Eric, and their two boys, who are almost the same ages as our boys.  It worked out perfectly!  Eliot and Cole held hands all through the airport and kept each other entertained in the lines.

 With the boys on the teacups.  Wasn't sure what Zach would think, but ...

 ... he loved it!  Giggled the whole time (I didn't let Eliot spin us too fast!).

 I love this picture, too. :)  Those were the mouse ears Eliot insisted upon.  They turned out fun!

 With Winnie the Pooh and friends (Mommy's favorite!)

 Brer Fox was super fun with Eliot!  (Eliot didn't do Splash Mountain ... he got too freaked out when Mom dragged him on Space Mountain and decided to pass on all 'scary' rides after that!)

 With Mickey!  Poor Zach was too close for comfort and started bawling.

 Santa was there, too!  Eliot talked his poor ears off!  He explained to him exactly what he wanted and told him he could find the Jake and the Neverland Pirates set in the Fisher Price Catalog!

 Cars Land ... all I can say is A.MA.ZING.  It is fantastic.  Completely recreates Radiator Springs and is darling, creative, fun, and beautiful all at once!  The new ride was SPECTACULAR!!  I can see why people wait hours to ride it! (We did fast passes, but still had to wait all day to use them -- so worth it!)

 Cars Land at night.  Awe.some.

 You can get your picture with all the Cars characters.  Love this one of E!  (Mater's wearing a Santa hat in this one).

 Ready to race on the new Cars Ride!  Going at night was so beautiful!  They have the red rock backdrop all lighted up ... gorgeous!  My new favorite ride!

 On the giant Mickey ferris wheel.  What you may not see behind my smile is the awful queasiness I was experiencing from being in a rocking car ... whoa nelly, having kids has changed my ability to handle stuff like that!  I couldn't get off the ride soon enough!

 Zachy on Daddy's shoulders.  The World of Color show was beautiful (think Disney version of the fountain show at the Bellagio in Vegas).

 Cole and Eliot with Goofy.  This one's for their Grandpa Dickinson, who loves Goofy!

 Z sportin' his 3D shades before the new Toy Story ride in California Adventure.

 Each of the boys got to pick a special toy.  Eliot chose a Star Wars set (go figure ...) and Z chose a baby Goofy ... he was just a little happy about his new snuggle friend!

 Last day.  Poor Z had been the entire night before with a stomach bug.  He slept through most of the last day, but did so great, especially on the flight home.  Poor sweet buddy.

 You'd almost never know he was sick with how happy he was on Small World.  His favorites were Nemo and Small World.

 Can you spot Grant (with Eliot beside him)?  Eliot loved Thunder Mountain!! (Guess it's not one of the "scary" ones.)

Right before we left, I happened to hear a lady talking about how they had just seen Jessie and Woody, so I found out where they were, and Eliot got to see some of his favorite characters.  So fun!

This was one of the most magical experiences we've ever had with our boys.  It was well worth cashing in our AMEX points (from all those big purchases for the house and hospital bills ... see, everything has a silver lining!).  Such wonderful memories!  I think we planted the Disney bug in Eliot because he talks all the time about our next trip.