Round 3, Take 5

Yep, a new school year means a new photo in front of the law school. Our "happy thought" these days is that we only have ONE more of these to take!! Can you see Grant in a cap and gown ... almost?!

My Other Goal ...

Is to work on positive reinforcement with Eliot. I had a "guilty mommy" moment tonight when my extra-tired Eliot (he's been sick, poor thing) wanted to go to bed so badly that he kept pointing to his bed and asking for ... "time out" (we put him in his crib for time out). Sad. :(

Okay other moms, ideas for positive reinforcement with your little ones? I'll prep you right off the bat -- I'm not one for bribes/rewarding with treats. Just looking for ways to focus on the positive and praise my son for the good things instead of saying "no" so much or resorting to "time out" too often (which I didn't think I did, but after tonight, I'm reevaluating...).

My New Mantra

When I went away to school at Ricks College (now BYU-Idaho ... guess that dates me, huh), my older sister, Melissa, who had also gone to school at Ricks, gave me this piece of advice: "Don't wish it away, sis. It goes too fast." I never forgot that advice, and, just as my sister had almost predicted I would, I did find myself wishing my college experience away at times. When I encountered midterms or finals, when I was getting my heart broken by the first "RM" I dated, I started to wish it away. But Melissa's advice would come back to my mind, and I'd try to refocus on the good stuff -- the roommates I loved, the FHE brothers who became great friends, the niche I carved out for myself as a "Scrollie" at the college newspaper. That was a great time of my life, but also as Melissa said it would, it went way too fast.

Just like my mission went too fast. Just like my newlywed days and years working at the MTC went too fast. Just like Eliot's short time as a newborn went too fast. And as much as I tried hard not to do it, at some point or another, I found myself wishing away each of those great times of my life.

Probably because those great times were also hard times. Although in hindsight I wonder how life as a carefree college student was ever "hard," but it was, at the time. When looked at compared to life in law school while starting our family, those early college years may seem like a piece of cake, but at the time, that phase had its own difficult moments. Finals were stressful because my I needed good grades to hang on to my scholarship and hopefully earn a scholarship to BYU so I could finish my Bachelor's Degree. And I'm sure even that "RM" breaking my heart was life-shattering at the time. Which is why I probably wished it was "all over with" so I could move on to the next, "easier" phase.

What I'm learning is that the next phase never gets easier. It's likely equally as hard (or harder!), just in a new and different way. So the trick, just like my sister taught me, is to not wish away the phase you're in. To live in the moment gratefully. To know that you're right where you need to be, when you need to be there. To know that, as a good friend recently taught me, God doesn't give consolation prizes, so there are no "plan B" lives. The life I'm living is exactly what God intended for me -- my "plan A" -- so I can be confident and assured that I'm doing what I need to be doing and gaining the experiences that will prepare me for what's next.

If my rambling is leading me to any point, it's this: though it's going to be hard, my goal for this next new year is to not wish it away. It's going to be hard to do. This is Grant's LAST year. His LAST year of law school! We're so close to done we can almost taste it. We can almost envision the career that's on the horizon, see ourselves moving on from student lifestyle (halelujiah), just moving on period. But, we're not there yet. There's still that one year (plus the Bar ... bleh). And within that year is just what I've been talking about. Being right where we're supposed to be when we're supposed to be here. Gaining the experiences that will prepare us for what's next. So, as much as I'd like it "over with," I'm going to try as hard as ever to not wish away this last year. To live in the moment. To focus on the good stuff. Because I'm guessing, as tired as we are of student living and all that comes with it, one of these days I'm going to be looking back on these years, just like I do with my college years, my mission, our newlywed phase, and when Eliot was a newborn, and realize it went way too fast.

And I'll wish it hadn't. So here's to the good stuff that's happening right here, right now. And what is the good stuff? Living in a gorgeous place where I'm an hour drive away from the ocean, and a half an hour drive away from hiking areas with giant, beautiful evergreens and waterfalls. Living in an easygoing town where we have great parks, a wonderful children's museum, fun restaurants, a beautiful campus, not to mention being an hour away from Portland where there are gardens galore, the biggest bookstore I've ever seen, a beautiful riverfront and again, lots of places to explore and discover. Having a great ward and wonderful friends who have become a vital support system to me while I've been away from home and family. Getting to rely wholly on each other as a family and cling to each other's love and support while we're finishing up this intense period of our lives together, and enjoying the increased love and appreciation for each other that has come as a result of pulling together. Having one-on-one time with my Eliot and getting to enjoy him and all that he's learning and experiencing. The simplicity of a minimized budget, schedule, lifestyle.

That's the good stuff I'm not going to wish away this year.

I Think ...

My niece Madelyn might be the most beautiful and most personality-filled baby girl I've ever seen!

... And I also think by the time I have my next little one I need to get my hands on a sweet camera like Maddy's parents have so I can capture great shots like these.

It's Time ...

... to make this blog private, too. I've been debating for a while, and finally decided it's time. If you'd like to keep reading, let me know by leaving a comment. If I don't already have your e-mail address, please be sure to include it.

I Can't Wait ...

... to get these printed, framed, and hung in my kitchen.

(only minus the "squished" effect from having to edit

the HTML to get them to fit)

Love This

Found this with the heading "The Power of Words" on a friend's blog. Love it. Doesn't it just make you want to write someone a letter or curl up with a good book?

Eliot's "First" Fourth

Even though this was officially Eliot's third 4th of July (he was a newborn in '07 and one in '08), this was the first time he got to experience the full day, start to finish. It started early with meeting me at my 5K in Provo and ended late with the "Cul-de-Sac of Fire" in my in-laws' neighborhood. We packed the day with family, swimming, a BBQ, and fireworks. No wonder Eliot was so zonked after it all ended! He seemed to enjoy himself, especially swimming. He's been a little timid of swimming until now, but after Grant threw him in the air and let him splash down in the water dozens of times, Eliot didn't want to get out, and sobbed when we made him. He kept saying over and over, "Swimmun!" and "Wadder!" My favorite moment? Hearing the "Star Spangled Banner" before our race started and saluting the flag. I got a little choked up and had one of those moments when I felt so grateful to be a citizen of this country and thankful for the many blessings and opportunities I enjoy.

The Freedom Festival runners, 2009 -- my sister Mary, me, and my sisters-in-law Lisa and Tori. We really do like each other, I promise -- we were still a little sweaty from the muggy morning race and didn't want to put our arms around each other!

Me with Eliot, my usual "running buddy." I didn't race with him this year since it ended up being a little stressful last year. This particular race can have about 3,000 runners, so it gets a little crowded and hairy with a stroller. I missed having him with me, though!

Check out my big boy who thinks he needs to eat all by himself at the kids' table now! (Oh, and check out his cross-eyed cousin Katie, too!)

Eliot and his cousin Katie (who he's just a little obsessed with right now!) enjoying their 4th of July hot dogs.

My "All-American" boy!

My brother-in-law Louie, niece Maddy, and sister Mary. The 4th of July weekend was extra special for their family -- Madelyn was blessed by her "Ampy" (my dad) the next day!

Miss Madelyn getting her first taste of the Fourth!

One of my favorite photos of the day -- my little nephew Mikey, whom we've nicknamed "Bruiser" for all of his owies he's been accumulating lately!

Part of the "Cul-de-Sac of Fire" festivities is a cake walk for the kids. Grant couldn't bear the thought of Eliot not participating (there were Hostess products at stake, after all!), so he took him out to walk the walk. Cute, huh!

Grant with the littlest of the kids at the cake walk. The fabulous paint job on the ground was provided by James Christensen, my in-laws' neighbor who's also a quite famous painter. He and his daughter spent days before the 4th using large wooden stencils to paint the stars. It looked great!

Again, Grant with the younger kiddos. As you can tell, Eliot was cooperating fabulously.

The triumphant cousins, Alex, Scottie, Katie, and Nate, who, unlike their younger counterparts, actually won goodies at the cake walk. Their stash? Hostess cakes. And what is more American than a Twinkie, anyway?

Grant with Eliot and Michael (Eliot's "twin" cousin) after the cake walk. They came so close plenty of times, but never won a treat! We're pretty sure Grant was a lot more disappointed than the two boys, though! Every time they called a number other than theirs, it was so sad to see Grant's reaction!

This year the performing group at "Cul-de-Sac of Fire" was "The Bonus Brothers," not to be confused with "The Jonas Brothers" playing down the road at the "real" Stadium of Fire. From what our family members who attended the Stadium (vs. the Cul-de-Sac) of Fire tell us, we were better off with the lip-sync version (sorry to offend any fans).

As a surprise grand finale, however, we did enjoy the musical entertainment of Carmen Rasmussen, a former American Idol finalist (yes, the real deal!). She is apparently married to the son of Gary Herbert, Utah's newly appointed governor, who also made an appearance at Cul-de-Sac of fire. When he showed up in his motorcade, with lights flashing and sirens wailing, my nephew Alex put his hands in the air and said, "I'm innocent!"

And of course, what would the 4th be without fireworks, not to mention a little Neil Diamond?!

This picture doesn't capture Eliot's reaction to the fireworks, which he got to see for the first time this Fourth of July. This was the best I could do without annoying everyone with my flash, but the wonder on his face was my favorite part of the day.

If Only Every Weekday Could Be This Fun ...

A couple weeks ago we got to enjoy a mid-week getaway to Midway and Park City. For Grant's birthday, his sister generously gave him some coupons she had gotten from work for a getaway to a resort in Midway. Since we had just been to Park City and couldn't afford to do another overnight trip, we decided to let my sister Lauren and her husband, Bryan, take advantage of the deals, since they weren't able to have much of a honeymoon a couple years ago and are expecting their first at the end of July. The only condition was that we wanted to meet them for golf and shopping. When my dad found out about the plans, he wanted "in," too, since the Homestead Golf Resort, one of his favorite haunts, is just across the street from where they stayed. So we all went together and had a wonderfully relaxing ... Wednesday! Grant took the afternoon off, and we went up the canyon and enjoyed a great day of fabulous food, some of our favorite pastimes, and most of all the great company of my parents, sister, and her husband!

Me, Eliot, and Grant at the golf course cafe at The Homestead resort in Midway. What a great place for lunch -- beautiful view of the greens, delicious sandwiches and salads, and our table was right next to the Coy pond, where Eliot had a great view of the fish and ducks! Perfect! We could get used to this kind of life!

Bryan and Lauren (and baby Collin, due at the end of July!)

My mom and dad. After lunch it was off to the golf course for the boys and off to Park City for some outlet shopping for the girls. Could the day get any better?

After a "grueling" day of shopping and golf, we went to dinner at the Mountain House Grill in Midway, a place Grant and I discovered on anniversary trip of our own. It did not disappoint, especially since the boys were able to take advantage of the Prime Rib special!

Eliot couldn't get enough of the house specialty -- raspberry lemonade in a sugar-rimmed "glass" (more like pitcher -- at least there was plenty for sharing!).

All of us in front of the restaurant. I'm amazed that Eliot's actually smiling in this. If figures that setting the camera on a timer is more effective than making silly faces and trying to get a good shot.

"Peppy" (as Eliot calls him) and his "Tater Boy" (as my dad calls Eliot). In the background is a building with some of the Swiss architecture that Midway is known for.

The girls -- my sister Lauren, me, and my mom.

And of course the Golfing Guys, Bryan, Grant, and Dad, each claiming to be #1.

"Please Bless the Dickinsons While They're Broke"

Grant and I feel like "grown-ups" again ... at least sort of. Even though we're still "basement dwellers" (the term lovingly given by members of my in-laws' ward to the dozen or so young families living with parents), we at least have our own home teachers assigned to us. It makes us feel, as Grant put it best, "more like adults and less like ... kids."

Our home teacher and his son visited us last night, and they are wonderful. Salt of the earth, kind, sincere people. The father took the time to ask lots of questions about us, our current situation, and really got to know us, and then presented a short but very spiritual lesson based on this month's First Presidency Message. June's message, if you haven't received it or read it yet, is by President Uchtdorf, and is on the topic of prayer. It's truly wonderful (and short!), so take the time to read it if you haven't already.

The real highlight of the evening was when the 12-year-old son, who was just filling in for his older brother as his dad's companion for the night, said the closing prayer. In his prayer, he thanked Heavenly Father for the opportunity to visit with our family, and prayed, "Please bless the Dickinsons while they're broke, that they can have success and find some money." Grant and I couldn't help but smile, not to mention added big fat "Amens" to that prayer (how could we not, after such a sincere petition to help us please find some money?!), yet we were touched by the young man's sensitivity to our family and our needs and the frank manner in which he prayed. Apparently he had assumed from the conversation that we weren't in the best of financial circumstances right now (which, let's be honest, is pretty much true). Maybe in our getting to know each other we joked around a bit too much about being "basement dwellers" and mooching off our parents for the summer until we return in the fall to be "responsible adults" again. After his prayer I felt the need to reassure him that we really are fine (thanks to our parents letting us mooch off them), but I let it go, mostly because I didn't want to embarrass him.

But perhaps he's is on to something. Maybe my prayers should be more like that humble young man's (who, as his dad explained, knows a bit about being "broke," since their family has been without employment since January). Maybe I should be a little more up front with my Heavenly Father and call our situation what it is and ask for His help (which we do need rather desperately), rather than being the typically prideful person that I am and pretend like I've got everything "under control." The truth is, we are "broke," and who knows how long our season of being so will last. If I know that, and Heavenly Father knows that, why not tell Him my concerns and ask for His help instead of poring over spreadsheets and bank statements for hours on end wondering how on earth we're going to get through the next year (and beyond)? Maybe doing all we can on our end and then turning things over to the Lord, with the simplicity of faith demonstrated by our 12-year-old home teacher, is exactly how we'll get through this next year.

How interesting that we had just received a lesson about prayer that was based on a beautiful and poignant message by one of the highest leaders of the Church, and yet the real message learned that night was given by a somewhat awkward, but very humble and sensitive 12-year-old boy.

What a Wonderful World

There are many things to post about, since Eliot's second birthday is this week, and we celebrated with family over the weekend. Look for posts on Eliot's and my blogs soon to read up on our rained-out zoo adventure and the "Noah's Ark" birthday party for Eliot and his "twin" cousin Michael. We had a great time and got some great pictures of the events. But until I get pictures collected from the several photographers, choose which ones to upload, and get those posts put together, you'll have to settle for a "boring" post for now.

Do you ever have moments that catch you by surprise, when you're just filled with emotion that literally comes out of nowhere, when you feel full of the spirit, when you feel so grateful that there are no words, when the prayer you hadn't prayed for is answered, when you're caught off guard by the peace you feel when you weren't even necessarily looking for it? Let me explain by telling you about that kind of moment I had yesterday.

We were at stake conference, which is a bit of a dreaded event for us. Please don't judge my lack of enthusiasm for a normally great, spiritually uplifting meeting. But two-year-olds and two-hour-long church meetings are not a good mix, especially considering that Eliot's now used to nursery, where he can play and blow off some energy after a squirmy hour in sacrament meeting. We just did our best to pack a "super bag"," sat in the back near a door, held our breath and waited to see how things went. I'm pretty sure it is these kind of events that inspired the phrase, "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst." Much like all the other "dreaded" events in our life -- long car rides, plane trips, doctor appointments, etc. -- Eliot did much better than expected. Sure, we had a couple crayon catastrophes, Grant had to take him out once when things got too intense (at about the hour and 10 minute mark his built-in sacrament meeting alarm clock started going off), Eliot stuffed himself sick on animal crackers, but overall, I was pleased with how well he did.

Still, considering that I was in Mommy survival mode and not spiritually reflective mode, I was surprised by the spiritually powerful moment that struck me out of nowhere. We stood to sing an intermediate hymn, "We Thank Thee, O God, for a Prophet," and halfway through the second verse, tears started creeping out of my eyes as we sang, "When dark clouds of trouble hang o'er us, and threaten our peace to destroy, There is hope smiling brightly before us, and we know that deliverance is nigh." I guess I shouldn't have been totally surprised that I was touched by those words; I have gained a greater appreciation for that verse and other comforting hymns and scriptures over the last couple of years as my family has experienced a trial that has wrenched our souls and has left us feeling like "darks clouds of trouble" are settled in above us to stay. Those of you close to me and that situation know that things have gotten progressively worse, not better, that this dilemma has been the trigger of the depression I have been battling with, that it is the source of a deep heartache in my life, one that is causing my family, my parents in particular, devastating anguish.

All of that said, my motto for this summer has been "Let it roll off my back," particularly with regard to my family trials. In this particular situation, there is nothing, or very little at best, that anyone can do, and in order to preserve my health and happiness, I've determined I am not going to focus my energy on that anymore. So I haven't. And you know what, it has worked. A family therapist (which I admit openly I could probably benefit from seeing) might tell me I'm avoiding (or better yet "repressing") my emotions, but letting things roll off my back, probably in combination with Grant being out of school for the summer, having some Utah sunshine, and running regularly, have helped me feel pretty good these days. Which is why I was surprised to be so affected by the hymn we were singing at stake conference. If I had been praying fervently or fasting or beating on heaven's doors for a sense of peace, I might have expected such a tender heavenly communication, but I wasn't. Like I said, I've been feeling pretty okay about things (as "okay" as anyone can feel under the circumstances), and as far as what I expected to get out of stake conference, I was just happy to get out of there alive with my two year old.

Which is maybe even greater evidence of Heavenly Father's love. He sent me a loving message even when I didn't "need" it. How appropriate that on Father's Day I was able to hear from my Heavenly Father a message that reached my heart, gave me hope and encouragement, and surprised me by its sweetness and its ability to pierce through the whirling distractions of being a young mother. I think what caused the tears was the intensity of the peace and love that I felt. I wasn't crying because I was upset about my family's situation, I was crying because I felt a great deal of hope, something that has been largely absent in my life for over two years. I felt that there truly is "hope smiling brightly before us" -- for me and my family -- regardless of outcome. In that moment it didn't matter that my family's difficulties may not resolve themselves in the next few years, decades, or even in this lifetime. I felt the assurance that Heavenly Father is very much aware of what is going on, and He has promised that "deliverance is nigh" -- whatever that may be and whenever that may come.

That sense of encouragement and peace carries over into my little immediate family's circumstances, too. As Grant approaches his last year of law school and as he takes more and more steps toward beginning his career, I feel like the "end" of this very intense time of our lives is actually coming, that there is much ahead for us, that we will be able to look back in awe of what we were able to endure and how we were able to make ends meet, and that it will all "come to pass." We will be okay. Maybe not all, but many, of our circumstances will improve. And even if things get harder before they get better, I know we have so much to live for and hope for, and be happy for.

As I have been reflecting on my little Eliot lately in anticipation of his second birthday, I can't help but think that he is the epitome of the "hope smiling brightly before us." We waited a long time for the timing to be right to welcome Eliot into our family, and in hindsight, I don't think his timing could have been any more perfect. He arrived just as things were most difficult for me and Grant and for my extended family. And yet he and his little cousin, born within an hour of each other, have been little rays of sunshine, providing hope and comfort and laughter during our darkest hours. He is one of my greatest sources of hope. When I see my son, I see all of his divine potential -- I see him following in his daddy's footsteps and becoming a tender and kind man, a worthy and righteous priesthood holder, a humble and energetic missionary, a gentle husband, father, and friend. Because of him and other sweet boys (and girls!) like him, the world is and will be a much better place. There is hope for our future because of sweet children like my little Eliot. That is something to hope for.

So today when I opened up my blog and heard Louis Armstrong singing, "I hear babies cry, I watch them grow. They'll learn much more than we'll ever know. And I think to myself, 'What a wonderful world,'" all I could think was, "Amen." What a wonderful world.

Cooking Lessons

Eliot helped me make Snickerdoodles this afternoon.  He loved it, and I loved watching him!  I thought he would like rolling the balls of dough in the cinnamon sugar; but in true boy fashion, he just wanted to smash them in the mixture and then throw the dough on the pans.  Needless to say, some of the cookies had some extra Eliot TLC and a bit more character than the others.  I'm so grateful that my sister-in-law Gaylyn caught some of the priceless moments on camera.  There are so many times I'm alone with Eliot and would love to capture us in the moment so I can make it last, but there's no one around, let alone with a camera!  These images are ones I'll love forever.

As always, sorry for the sideways video!  One of these days we'll get it!  And you may have to play the video a few times to catch Eliot's fast-action tossing of the dough -- he's quick!