"For what?"

I was really touched by a story told by a returned missionary in our Sacrament Meeting yesterday. He recently returned home from serving in Mexico, and told a story about a young boy he met on a bus. It was the end of a very long day, and he and his companion were exhausted. Miraculously, there were two empty seats on the bus, something he said never happened there. People would cram onto the bus, and they almost always had to stand. After only a few minutes, though, the bus picked up a mother with her young children, and the Elders, exhausted as they were, knew they needed to give up their seats for the family. They did, and stood in the aisle near the family. One of the little boys, maybe three or four years old, stared at the Elder, particularly at his name tag. The Elder, who was quite fair, was used to the Mexican children staring at him curiously, and didn't think much of it until the boy started asking him questions. He asked the Elder his name and then asked him if he was the one who gave up his seat for them. The Elder told him he had. The young boy asked him why. The Elder explained that he just wanted to help them. The young boy then pointed to the missionary's tag and asked what he did. The missionary said he did his best to explain to the small child what it is that missionaries do. He said he struggled to explain the scope of his efforts in basic terms that a child could understand. He told the child he was a missionary. To which the child asked, "for what?" The missionary tried to explain that he was a missionary for the church of Jesus Christ. Again the question, "for what?" He told him again that he just wanted to help people. Once again, the child asked, "for what?" At that point in the story, the returned Elder became emotional and said that the boy's simple question was a life-changing moment. The more the little boy pressed him about the real reasons why he was doing what he was doing, the more the Elder had cause to think about the purpose behind his efforts. Why (or, as it was asked in Spanish, "para que" or "for what") was he giving up two years of his life to be a missionary for the LDS church? For what was he exhausting himself day in and day out to try to share a message with the people of Mexico, most of whom didn't care what he had to say? For what was he giving up his seat on a crowded bus that day? He went back to his story and said that he tried his best to explain to the small boy that he just wanted to help everyone he met be able to go back to God someday, because he believes that God is our father and we are His children. It was such a sweet story, but the point he made afterward was what really touched me and made me think about my own life.

The Elder's talk was about listening to the promptings of the Spirit. When he had finished telling his story about the little boy on the bus, he shared the principle that when we understand the "why" (or "for what") we're doing what we're doing or believing what we believe, it's not hard to listen to and follow the promptings of the Spirit. He said we won't question or be inconvenienced by what God asks us to do because we understand why we should follow it. We will know what God is trying to accomplish by giving us those feelings, and we won't hesitate to obey. It was such an eye-opening concept to me! I think it's really true. Once we have planted in our hearts not only what believe but why we believe it, following God's plan becomes so natural. Awesome.

That concept of allowing the "for what" drive daily actions really struck home with me regarding my current feelings about motherhood. I have been struggling the past couple weeks (maybe longer?) with feeling ineffective in my role as a mother. I feel like I've just been getting by. I have had successive days of butting heads with each of my boys and often feeling like a complete and total failure. I feel like I'm missing it, like I'm just "getting through" this experience instead of making the most of it. I know these days of my boys being little and innocent and so malleable is so fleeting, but I have yet to really dig in and be a present, completely committed mom (though some days I feel like I should be committed!!). The talk in Sacrament Meeting got me thinking about whether or not I truly understand the "for what" of my role as a mother. I feel like I understand enough about eternal families and God's plan to know how important it is to be a mom and help my children come to love and follow Christ. I really do believe in and feel strongly about what I'm doing, but I don't know if I have it truly planted in my heart. Otherwise why would I feel so unhappy and ineffective as I trudge through my days of laundry, wiping up messes, and picking up toys for the umpteenth time? I felt prompted by the Spirit in yesterday's meeting to find out for myself and plant more deeply in my heart "for what" I'm doing all of this anyway. If I don't know or understand my purpose as a mom, how can I hope to be a good one?

My hope is that as I study and learn and receive personal revelation regarding the importance of motherhood, I will be less burdened by the daily living of motherhood. I hope the principle shared by the missionary transfers -- that, just like when we understand why we follow Jesus, listening to the Spirit becomes less burdensome, the same will hold true with understanding my role as as mother and the daily work and challenges will become less burdensome. Now it's up to me to do that first step, though, to put in the work of studying and seeking to understand this role that I'm actively living but maybe not reaching my full potential at quite yet. I want to succeed at this. This is all I've ever wanted to do. And yet, as I've confided in Grant recently, it doesn't feel good to fail in your dream job. I know that motherhood is difficult, often thankless work. I know it's not glamorous most (or any!) of the time, but I know the potential is there to love it and thrive in it, even with all of its inherent difficulties.

I am grateful for that returned missionary's reminder that there is purpose to our sacrifices. We have to stay focused on our purpose as God's children, no matter what our current role. For his season of life, it was imperative that he stayed fixed on his goal of working tirelessly each day to teach God's children so that they could one day return to Him. I don't know that my role is very different. I'm not out tracting and trying to share a message, but I am working to exhaustion each day as I try to teach my two young boys. And my goal is the same as a missionary's -- to bring God's children back to Him. Both jobs are exhausting. Both jobs require every ounce of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual energy you've got. I remember vividly how I would feel at the end of the day as a missionary -- it was the most total fatigue I had ever experienced. My body was worn out, my brain was tired, my emotions were spent, my spirit was drained. Only now am I coming to understand that the fatigue I feel as a mother is very similar. In my head I guess I've always put missionaries' work on this lofty plain, unmatched by any other efforts in life. But what are mothers except lifelong missionaries? As a missionary, I at least had the comfort of knowing I'd get a full night of uninterrupted rest (maybe not on Saturday nights when the Discotec was thumping into the wee hours of the morning). As a missionary, I could hold out for the next Zone Conference, when there would be a day full of spiritual uplift, stacks of letters from home, gathering with other missionaries to boost each other up, and getting to have a special meal together to gear up for another month or so of grueling work. There aren't always "days off" or breaks as a mom. I do have highlights to look forward to -- cousin sleepovers when my wonderful in-laws take the boys for a weekend so Grant and I can get a breather (bless their dear souls!); every once in a while there's a family vacation or special date night to look forward to. But it is work. It is hard work. What I need to remember, though, is just like when I was a missionary, it is God's work. And for that reason, it is noble work. It is work worthy of my best effort. It is work to be proud of. And there will be a grand harvest awaiting at the end. Just like my efforts in Spain didn't always produce tangible results, there are lots of days as a mom when it's easy to say I've accomplished nothing. But I know in my heart that's not true. Baptisms and even teaching lessons in Spain were quite rare; but the change I saw occur in other people and also within myself was very real, even if it couldn't be counted on paper as a goal reached. I need to remember the same is true as I help my children. The changes I'm seeing in them and within myself as we learn and grow together may not be apparent to everyone else. We may not reach any lofty goals together, at least not by the world's standards. But what is happening in our home and in our family is very real, and it's also eternal. We fall short a lot of the time, but we are trying really hard as a family to be like our Savior and treat one another and others with love and kindness. I know that my daily work, everything from teaching my children to pray to convincing Zach to at least try his vegetables, is part of an eternal work of bringing to pass the eternal life and immortality of God's children. So I will try harder to find joy in the small victories and prize the big ones. The teaching from Elder Ballard that "the joy of motherhood comes in moments" rings in my ears all the time. I really do try to savor those moments, but I think where I could do better is to recall those moments and cling to them in the tough times. So next time Zach is challenging me, I will try to picture him folding his arms and bowing his head voluntarily before prayers (or sometimes as a reminder to pray!).  Next time I'm having a battle of wills with Eliot, I will think of the sweet notes he has written me or the times he has told me he loves me completely out of the blue.

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. Ether 12:27