So Many Thoughts

I have so many thoughts today. My mind has been filled by so many forms of input lately that have inspired me, educated me, helped me, informed me, even healed me.

I have been like a sponge as of late for reading. I'm currently in the middle of at least six books at a time. Some are audio books I listen to alone as I go about my chores during the day. I'm usually always listening to an audio book in the car with the kids. We are listening to the Narnia series right now, and I just loved the first book, "The Magician's Nephew." We are now into "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe," which has long been one of my favorite stories. The scene of Aslan on the stone altar and the beautiful metaphor of the Savior's suffering is one of the most moving passages in all of literature, in my opinion.

I'm reading a book my friend wrote that landed her on The Washington Post's Top 10 list not long after it came out. I am thrilled for her success, and I'm learning so much from her area of expertise. I'm finishing up a book by Sister Dalton, one of my personal heroes. I love her. I love her enthusiasm and unapologetic loyalty and devotion to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. What an example of the kind of dignified, strong woman I hope to become. She is lovely through and through, and I always gain so much from reading her messages.

I just finished two very different books which inspired me in different ways. I listened to Victor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning," which was so incredibly compelling. His firsthand account of how he survived life in a concentration camp, largely because he was able to control his thoughts and remain optimistic, was such an impressive read to me, even if quite melancholy. There is a scene in which he describes mentally envisioning his wife (who was imprisoned in a different camp, where she eventually died). In his daydream/vision of her, he felt like he could almost converse with her and was filled with so much love and hope just by thinking of her. It was one of the most beautiful passages about true and enduring love that I have ever read. I marvel at what some men and women have endured in this world. It gives me courage to face my own challenges with resolve and faith.

Right after that, I read Rachel Hollis's "Girl, Wash Your Face," which, let's be honest, didn't get a fair shake after reading Frankl's eloquent, timeless piece. The contrast was pretty stark, so her style came off a little casual and silly.  And yet, I was motivated by her no-nonsense, no excuses, tough love approach to going out and getting the work done to reach your goals. I needed that little kick in the pants. I didn't agree with all of her ideas, but it was a quick, interesting read. One that gave me a lot to think about and resolve to work harder and truly harness the thought that I am in control of my own life and destiny. I get to decide what my future looks like.

All of this has been feeding my mind during what has been a somewhat fragile process of emotional healing. I finally mustered up the courage to start into Therapy again. I attended several sessions years ago, and it was so helpful and healing. But because I had been through it before, I knew very well the physical and emotional toll that it takes to put in the kind of mental work that happens in effective counseling. It can be painful. It wears me out physically. It drains me emotionally. But it is very cathartic and very helpful in helping me manage some very strong emotions that have been slowly poisoning me over many, many years. Last week, for the first time, I benefited from a therapy called EMDR. It seemed a little strange at first, but the results were miraculous for me. Almost instantly, I felt like broken parts of my brain were healed. I felt physical relief from memories and experiences that have traumatized me for years. I feel hope to be able to move on from those painful experiences. I feel so grateful for the technology and advances that make those therapies possible. I am thankful to have the means to attend Therapy right now, and especially grateful for a dear friend who is selflessly helping me with Andrew once a week so I can go and work through this. And also thankful for an excellent Therapist. I know Heavenly Father guided me to her. She has blessed my life immensely over the last several weeks.

The last book that I am in the middle of right now is "Silent Souls Weeping" by Jane Clayson Johnson. What a gift of a book, particularly for the community of my faith. She addresses the stigma of Depression and mental illness head on, and shares example after example from individuals she personally interviewed. She even shares her own harrowing experience. Such courage. Such talent. Such a blessing for those like me who have been among those silent souls weeping from the soul crushing experience of Depression. I'm not sure why it's true, but it is so healing to know that you are not alone in the feelings you experience. Which is, I suppose, one of the reasons I share here. This illness is real. It is energy sucking. It is so very discouraging. But there is help. There is hope. There can be understanding and healing as we work together to talk more about it and tear down the stigma that exists. I'm so thankful for people like Sister Johnson for using their gifts and their experiences to advance our society's thinking on this matter. It will change and save lives. It is changing mine.

I am thankful to have positive "input" like good books to lean on as I work to help heal my mind and heart. I am so very thankful for the scriptures and the words of living prophets. I have been listening to the talks given by President Nelson since he was called to the Twelve, and it has been an uplifting, testimony strengthening experience for me. I have found answers to prayer, I have received witness after witness that he has been called of God and prepared to be our prophet. I love him, I love my Savior. I'm grateful for their words that keep me grounded and fill my heart with peace when I need it most. I still battle negative thoughts and painful memories, but these uplifting words are nourishing my soul and helping me replace the negative with things that are uplifting and positive.

Five Years Later ...

My goodness. Five whole years and so many changes. I just spent close to an hour scrolling through this blog, reviewing and remembering, reading and recalling.  I had forgotten about so much I had posted and written here. Which made me so glad I wrote and posted. One of the main reasons I'm glad is because in the years since I stopped blogging, I lost the entire file structure of my photos, and along with it, a lot of my photos. I was devastated. So much that I haven't even made the attempt to recover and reorganize them. It makes me physically sick to think about. Probably should get on that. My purpose in opening up the blog today, in fact, was to find a baby picture of Zach for a Primary leader. My computer wouldn't read the disc of his professional baby pictures, so I prayed that I had SOMETHING here. I did. Thank heavens.

As I read, my heart was touched (is that vanity or what to be touched by your own writing?!). I was amazed by my own wisdom, gratitude, and optimism. How is it that we forget the golden nuggets we learn along the way and have to be reminded by our own memories that we were once strong, and, if we aren't currently, we can be strong again.

I have missed writing. I have missed this outlet. I love to write. Always have. I love to write poetry, I love to journal. I love to look for metaphors and meaning. I love language. I love how words can capture a memory and inspire hope. I love to read the works of those who have mastered words, who can paint pictures with words. I love to read stories, real and fictional. I love to learn about places near and far and gain insight into the thoughts and feelings of others. So much can be done with words. I have needed a place for my words these past few years. I got too busy to express myself through words. It's a busy season, having young children. In many ways, it has only gotten busier. But I'd like to think I've gotten wiser in that time, also. Recently I've started weeding things out of life that don't fill me up. I've pulled way back from social media. I spend less time watching TV and especially the news. I listen to more audio books instead of news radio or the redundant music on the radio. I have dived into the scriptures in a way I haven't in a long, long time. And it has all lifted me up. I feel more filled.

Stepping back from social media has left me without a place to document our lives, however, and as I read through old posts on here, I realized the immense value of not only sharing photos, but also sharing the stories behind the photos.

So I may need to resurrect this space and share again. Mostly just for me. So I can find the pictures I need. So I can remind myself of times I've been strong. So I can dump thoughts and insights. For the sake of writing alone.

"Silent Night"

Our sweet Eliot (notice that missing tooth!) not only PLAYED "Silent Night" on the piano for our Christmas Eve program this year, but he was also asked to give a brief talk about that hymn for our ward's Christmas Sacrament Meeting program. This is what Eliot shared about "Silent Night":

            A few weeks ago, as we were riding in the car, I got excited when I recognized the Christmas song playing on the radio.  It was “Silent Night,” the hymn we had been practicing in Primary.  My little brother and I listened quietly to the entire song.  My mom said it was a Christmas miracle that we sat so still for so long!

            Sometimes it’s hard to be still and quiet, especially at exciting times like Christmas.  But it’s important to be calm and still sometimes so that we can feel the Spirit.  The Holy Ghost speaks in a still, small voice.  If we are too busy or never take time to think quietly, we can’t hear the gentle promptings from our Heavenly Father.

            The hymn “Silent Night” reminds us that Jesus Christ’s birth was a holy, sacred night.  It uses words like “silent,” “peace,” and “calm” to remind us that we should be still and reverent as we think of Jesus’s birth.  Another Primary song I learned teaches that “If I listen with my heart I hear the Savior’s voice.”

 I know that if we will take the time to think quietly about the Savior this Christmas, we will feel the Holy Ghost. We will also feel close to Jesus and our Heavenly Father. They love us and want us to feel the heavenly peace that we sing about in the hymn “Silent Night.”

I was really proud of Eliot. He had very little fear about getting up in Sacrament Meeting and giving a talk, which, to this day, makes me anxious! He did a beautiful job and was complimented by lots of people. I think his talk perfectly describes my feelings about our Christmas Eve program -- though it's more than a little challenging to get our boys to sit still, we did have some of those magic moments happen where they actually did sit peacefully, and maybe, just maybe, even soaked in a bit of the true spirit of Christmas.

The boys opened their matching Christmas jammies first, and then we did our "Gifts to Jesus" activity. We watched the Church's "Nativity" video (that's then the boys surprised us by sitting still!), and then wrapped things up by singing "Silent Night," thanks to Eliot's accompaniment!  He did amazing! It amazes me how much he is learning in his music class.  

I love this picture of our family on Christmas Eve. We've gone back and forth for years on what would work best for celebrating Christmas Eve. Since both of our families are so close, it's so tempting to want to spend the evening with them. And I really miss my family's traditional program, but circumstances have changed, and it just gets to be too long and too hard on the boys to try to do it all. So we've learned to keep it simple and sweet, at least during this stage of life. For now, this works.

 

After the boys set out milk and cookies for Santa... 

and "magic dust" for the reindeer, it was off to bed.

I need to add here that probably my favorite moment of Christmas Eve was putting Zach to bed. I laid him down in his bed, rubbed his little cheek and said, "Merry Christmas." In a soft, sweet voice, he told me "Mehwy Cwismus" back and smiled up at me with the most angelic little face. There aren't photos to capture that moment, but it will be in my mind and heart forever!

Once the boys were down, mom and dad had to get to work wrapping gifts and filling stockings! 

I always take a few moments before going to bed to soak in the sight my boys will wake up to. I love it so much! And that anticipation is worth every ounce of long, tiring hours of of work, because it brings these faces the next morning:

THAT is pure Christmas joy!

I love them, and I love my Savior so much! I love getting to celebrate His birth and being a mom of little ones. I love that I am such an integral part of forming their happy childhood memories. I am growing to appreciate more and more each year the great sacrifice of my own mother in all the effort it takes to create the little details provide those magical moments my children will look back on and associate with this wonderful time of year. That kind of sacrifice -- the sacrifice of a mother, and the sacrifice our Savior was born to provide -- are what make this time of year so special to me. 

Merry Christmas!

P.S. Lest you mistakenly believe "all is calm" in our house at Christmas, the Band-aid on Zach's forehead is visual proof that life with little boys is always an adventure! Almost exactly a week before Christmas, Zach yanked on one of our stockings and pulled a heavy stocking hanger down on his head. It was very frightening at first, but ended up as only a "two-stitch" repair! Never a dull moment with Zachary! But I am happy to report that his breathing troubles have slowed way down and he's been really healthy. YAY!

Cure for the Holiday Blues

I could easily be called "Mrs. Grinch" this year. I normally LOVE the holidays. Christmas is one of my favorite, if not my favorite, time of year. I'm usually gung-ho about decorating, cookie baking, gift wrapping, event attending, you name it. But this year, not so much. I've heard of people struggling during the holidays, but those were feelings I never quite understood. In my head I would think, "How can you NOT be happy at Christmas?" And now that I'm on the other side of the coin, I don't have an answer to that question, either. That's the frustrating thing about not feeling in the Christmas spirit -- you feel so much pressure to be happy because it is, after all (and as the radio is so quick to remind you) "the most wonderful time of the year."

So what do you do when it doesn't feel so wonderful? For me personally, I've been dealing with a personal disappointment that has left me feeling a little lost in general. Those feelings happened to coincide with the holidays, and the result has been a total lack of motivation. I think most people can relate with struggling to feel motivated to exercise or clean their house (normal!), but you would think I'd be excited to make our year-end photo book or wrap the gifts I carefully selected for the boys, but it all kind of feels like chores this year. Things that add to my pile of stress instead of providing relief from it. I feel guilty for feeling that way, and around and around I go in my basically un-cheery state.

Thank goodness for my kids, because I'm having to put on a happy face for them. They shouldn't be denied a Merry Christmas just because Mom's not feeling super jolly. And honestly, there are plenty of moments when their happiness and excitement is contagious. I just wish I could shake the overall heavy feeling looming over me of stress and guilt. I wish I could just center myself and focus on the real meaning of Christmas and snap out of my Scroogey moments. But it has been a battle this year.

So why share this? Especially given that I haven't blogged in months? Because maybe someone else relates and could give advice, or maybe someone has felt or will feel this way, and it's always nice to know that someone else can relate. I always feel validated knowing that someone's been in the same boat. It helps me feel normal in the moments where I'm questioning my sanity. :)

But I don't want to just leave this on a gloomy note. That would be truly Grinchy of me. Instead, let me offer up a list of things that HAS helped me feel merry and bright this season. Here are the things have reminded me why I really do love this season, including a couple new traditions we just discovered this year:

Elf on the Shelf.  This is our first year doing this with the boys, and it has been magical! I knew Eliot would love it, but Zach has really gotten into it, too! I've heard all kinds of extremely elaborate ideas people use for this, but ours has been very simple. Our elf, "Chippy," just finds a new place to hide every night. No pranks or gifts or anything fancy. But it has really captured the boys' sense of wonder, which is one of the best things to watch as a parent at Christmas.

Christmas from Heaven. Grant's parents gave us this book this year. I was excited about it because the "Candy Bomber," Gail Halverson, came and spoke to my Primary when I was a little girl. I remember him speaking to us in our chapel and being mesmerized by his story. So fun that it's now a picture book. But our favorite part about this is the DVD that's included. The story is told in a Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas program, and the presentation is very touching. Eliot has watched it several times for his bedtime story, and I'm sure I've cried every time. My favorite take-away message from the story is that from small things come big things.

Preparing Family Names for the Temple. We live in a pretty amazing ward and stake as far as Family History work goes. Our Stake President has an incredible vision for the work, and has used the youth to make it happen. There are youth in our ward that are Regional Family History Representatives! They go around to Stake Conferences and major Family History Conventions in Salt Lake City to give presentations. They have met with members of the Quorum of the Twelve and talked about their experiences getting the youth involved in Family History work. Church units around the world are benefiting from the knowledge and experience of these amazing TEENS, and the adults in our Stake have been encouraged to follow their lead! We've been given Family History challenges in the past, but Grant and I always justified our lack of participation with being busy raising kids, or Zach's health, or Grant's demanding work schedule, etc. But this year, our hearts got pricked, and we joined in on the 40-day challenge issued to our Stake in November. The idea was to have every baptized member of our ward prepare at least one family name for a temple ordinance, so that we would have done the work of the equivalent of another "ward" in heaven. There were temple dates set up for the youth and adults in our ward, but the main goal was to complete at least one temple ordinance for an ancestor before Christmas. Doing so would be our gift to the Savior. Grant and I finally let go of our fears, asked for help from ward family history experts, and, quite easily, found five names and a total of nine ordinances to be completed. I know that's no big deal for people heavily involved in Family History, but it was a HUGE deal to us! We had never done anything like that before! I was lucky enough to get to go with the youth on their baptisms trip. Our ward showed up with stacks of names (our bishop's wife literally had a stack an inch thick of cards!), and almost every single youth performed baptisms for their own family members. It was awesome. The next week, the youth provided babysitting for the adult temple night, and Grant and I got to perform the sealings for our family members. Most of the names were for a family in my paternal grandfather's (McEuen) line.  They were sealings for three children to their parents, and one of the sons to his spouse. It was a very simple and yet meaningful experience for me. The greatest part was feeling the gratitude of that mother, whose personal ordinances were completed in 1982, but now she could be sealed to her children! I couldn't imagine not having my babies sealed to me. It was a sweet experience and added so much to our holiday season. What a wonderful goal to have every year. And honestly, now that I've got the bug, I can't really imagine going to the temple without my own names. It's just too special!  We'll see how I do ... 

"Redneck Christmas Caroling" That picture isn't actually our ward, but it pretty well depicts the "Redneck" version of Christmas caroling we did this week for mutual. One of our many neighbors with a big truck and a trailer took the youth around to the elderly members of our ward. Our toes froze, we sang off key, we giggled a lot and acted pretty obnoxious at a few points, but I told Grant when I got home that it was just what I needed. I hadn't wanted to go, but I was so glad I did. Nothing like "singing loud for all to hear" to lift your spirits at Christmas time, especially when it's to gladden the hearts of those who truly are lonely and need to be remembered.

There you have it. Maybe I'm not the Grinch I think I am. I'm sure Christmas will be happy and magical, as it always is with little ones. I look forward to it. But please forgive me this year if I don't bring you a plate of goodies or send you a Christmas card. I just didn't have it in me this year. And that's okay. From small things come big things. This year I'm having to take a step back and zero in on the small things. And trying to be okay with it. :)

Halloween '13

As much as I wish it wasn't, Halloween is kind of a big deal around our house. I could honestly do without Halloween. I think the only redeeming part is kids in cute costumes ...

But the overindulgence on candy and eventual breakdowns, I could do without! :)

I DO love fall and harvest time, and we think Cornbelly's at Thanksgiving Point has the best pumpkin patch around! Aunties Tori and Gaylyn accompanied us this year on a perfectly beautiful Saturday in October.

And then there's this ...

Here's the part of the holiday I really don't love. Grant and his obsession with all things spooky. This year he went Sleepy Hollow on me and did this for part of the neighborhood spook alley. I should be proud of him and his creativity, right? It all just makes me kinda cringe. It's the one sore spot of our marriage. But I can't claim I didn't know about it -- Grant's family have been Halloween nuts as long as I've known them. Somehow, we overcome our differences! :)

What Heaven Looks Like (Fall Family Picnic 2013)

Every once in a while, I catch glimpses of heaven. My heaven looks like warm autumn days, when you see scenes like this, and you pause to think how glad you are that you decided to go for a walk so you could be in the right place at the right time to see and wonder at the beauty of God's creations.

Heaven is letting little boys run and play for as long as they want. It's soaking in those moments of their childhood that you know won't last, but you're so happy to be a part of. It's remembering how it feels to be them -- carefree, young, happy, when your only job is to play and have fun.

It's taking a step back from life's daily routine and stopping to appreciate the magnificent beauty around you. It's going on a traditional family outing and remembering why you love that tradition so much. 

It's those photo ops that surprise you with how great they turn out and how happy that picture and that memory makes you. It's being able to freeze with your camera that age and stage of your child's life that you just love and wish could last forever. It's seeing in a photo all the happiness and hope and goodness you cherish about your child and wanting them to know exactly how proud and full of love you feel toward them.

Heaven is Daddy with his sweet son.

 And Mom with another. It's also in a meal you didn't have to prepare :), and a tradition that reminds you of loved ones long gone, and the few moments you spend over your chicken picnic getting to tell all about your Papa, how generous and good he was, and how much you miss him.

It's splashing rocks in the river and being amazed how long it holds their attention.

It's having a great time doing something so simple and wondering why you don't do things like this more often.

Heaven is little boys you hope will always be best buddies, just like they are now.

Heaven is in those moments that might not be Christmas-card worthy but stay in your heart forever as the moments of your life that remind you what really matters. It's the memories you hope your kids will remember forever, because you know you will.

Heaven is in the simple things. It can't be bought. It's quiet. It's lighthearted. It's warm and happy and good. Heaven doesn't happen all the time, but when it does, I always wish it would stay just a bit longer. One of the things I love most about being a mom is that I get to help make heaven for my family. I get to open my children's eyes to the beautiful world God made for them. I get to say "enough" to the swirling worldly commotion around us and take time out for just us. I get to facilitate memory-making and tradition keeping. Together with my kind husband, I get to make sure that we cherish each other as a family and do those things together that will keep our family strong. Because heaven without a single one of us just wouldn't be heaven. 

I hope my life will always be filled with moments of heaven. 

Letting Go

He's been telling me he was ready for weeks. But I wasn't ready. Taking off those training wheels (in my mind, anyway) meant a potentially painful process. Would he fall and get hurt? Would he get frustrated? Would I get frustrated? Would he have a bad experience and never want to ride again? And, let's be honest, I didn't want to let go of the ease and security of being able to go for walks without the added "hassle" of waiting for a wobbly novice bike rider (I know, so selfish). But there's another thing those training wheels represented, too. It meant my little boy is growing up. That he's doing big kid things. That sooner than I'm ready for, he's going to be riding all around the neighborhood on his bike, all on his own, without me and my watchful care. It's one more way he's leaving my nest and spreading his wings. It's one more symbol of his growing independence and proof that he needs me less, and, worst of all, the reality that grows closer all the time that one day he will leave and be completely on his own. And just like I feared letting him go for that first time on his bike, I wonder and worry, "Will he get hurt? Will he get frustrated? Will he have a bad experience that will keep him from trying again?"

And then something magical happened. He did it. And it all happened so fast. Grant had taken off his training wheels and Eliot was off and riding before I even realized what was going on. And Eliot was fine. More than fine -- he was amazing! Confident, able, excited! And, maybe even just as amazing, so was I! I was so excited! I was filled with a level of pride and happiness and excitement that I wasn't prepared for. Just like he'd been telling me, he was ready. He did awesome. And I stood back and wiped a few stray tears from my eyes, not because I was sad, but because I was so proud and excited for Eliot's big day. I have vivid memories of the first time I rode a bike without training wheels. I was so excited I was able to do it, I took off around the block (something I was forbidden to do), with a trail of neighbors and friends behind me. It was exhilarating. And maybe that had a lot to do with my feelings of excitement for Eliot -- I remember how that felt and had an idea how he was feeling, and I was so happy for him to have that moment.

We walked behind Eliot while he went for a surprisingly long ride. He didn't want to stop, and so we let him. We let him go. And go and go. And as Grant and I walked and marveled, I felt so strongly in those moments that, in all those future moments when I will hesitate and worry as a parent, I will be okay. My kids will be okay. They will try hard things, and they and I will be surprised at what they will accomplish. Maybe not all of our firsts will be as smooth as Eliot's first bike ride. There will undoubtedly be some bumps and bruises and maybe even some big crashes, but it will all turn out okay in the end. They have to let go, and try new things, and I have to let them. Because only when I do can truly amazing things happen.

This was such a great day! I hope Eliot will remember it. I know I will.

 Even little brother joined in the excitement. He was adamant about wearing his own helmet (you can never be too safe; those Radio Flyers can be dangerous, after all!).  Zach got so excited for Eliot that he wanted to jump out of the wagon and run behind. It was quite the sight to see our bike rider followed by his helmet-head little bro running as fast as his little legs would carry him (and his shoe fell off more than once).

Not quite ready for you to grow up on me, buddy! But when it's your turn, I promise I'll let you go, too. And you'll be amazing, just like your brother.

Returning to Young Women!

A few weeks ago I decided to start reading this book, "A Return to Virtue," by Elaine S. Dalton, who was released last General Conference as the Young Women General President. I've had it on my shelf for a while, and decided that was what I wanted to read next. This book is special to me because Sister Dalton is a personal hero of mine. I was lucky enough to interview and hire her son as a teacher at the MTC. At the time, she was serving as a counselor in the General YW presidency, and I didn't make the connection. Eventually I connected the dots (I'm slow to catch on at times ...), and asked Chad if his mom would ever be willing to hold a fireside with the teachers in our area. She agreed! And so in the middle of the Christmas season and BYU finals, Sister Dalton came to the Relief Society room of the ward building where Grant and I were attending church and presented a beautiful fireside. It was an honor to meet her and have that intimate association with her. If you can believe it, she is even more beautiful and radiant in person!

Lucky for me, my interactions with Sister Dalton didn't stop there. Chad very graciously invited me to attend his sealing at the Salt Lake City temple. I was working at the Church Office Building at the time, and timidly popped over to support Chad and his sweet bride. It was lovely, and again, such an honor. His mother kindly remembered me, and whenever I would take manuscripts to the Young Women offices, she would make a point of saying "hello." My greatest privilege was when my friend and coworker at the magazines invited me to interview Sister Dalton and the rest of the General Young Women Presidency at that time -- Sisters Susan Tanner and Julie Beck. For over an hour we asked them questions and discussed the For the Strength of Youth Pamphlet. It was amazing. In the weeks following as I took proofs and layouts back and forth for their approval, I was able to share with Sister Dalton the good news that I was expecting our first baby. She was so sweet and sincere. What a blessing to have such close interactions with a beautiful woman whose influence has been so profound on the young (and not so young!) women of the Church.

I love Sister Dalton. Not just because I've had the chance to know her personally, but for all that she is and stands for. I remember seeing her one day across the underground parking lot that connects the Church Office Building, Church Administration Building, and Relief Society Building, and I was struck by how much she literally glowed. It didn't hurt that she was wearing a beautiful white tailored suit, but honestly, she glowed. Now there is no doubt that she is a lovely lady, but what makes her radiate is her purity and the joy she has found through faithfully living the Gospel of Jesus Christ. She reflects every good thing I would want my own daughter to know and live, and I will forever be grateful for the impact she made on me and my life through the talks she gave and the standards she defended.

It was during Sister Dalton's service that the 8th Value was added to the Young Women's theme and program: Virtue. What a needed and necessary focus for today's Young Women! And Sister Dalton testified so powerfully on so many occasions of that heavenly trait. I'm looking forward to reading her book, especially because of all the running references she includes (another reason I look up to her -- she's a marathoner!).

But when I picked that book up off my shelf, I had no idea that within days I would be called as the new Laurels Advisor in our ward. I will admit that when I was first called, my stomach dropped a bit. I was not expecting a calling, and I was certainly not expecting that calling! Don't get me wrong, I love serving in the Young Women program -- it is fun, meaningful, and so rewarding. But it is busy and demands not only time, but also a great emphasis on personal worthiness and being a righteous example to the girls. I have served in Laurels before, and I felt a deep responsibility as the girls' "last dose" of gospel instruction before going off to college and entering the world of young adulthood (no pressure!). Needless to say, I have been very humbled by this opportunity. It will stretch me. It's going to force me to be better at managing my time and prioritizing.  It's going to push me out of my comfort zone, since I do NOT feel like I have a personality that lends itself to working with the youth. And it will stretch me in terms of evaluating my own personal righteousness. It's hard to feel like a worthy role model when you're so painfully aware of all your shortcomings and weaknesses!

BUT, all of that said, all those worries and fears aside ... Since attending our first activity, teaching my first lesson, being set apart, and attending my first board meeting with all of the other newly called leaders, I have felt nothing but peace and excitement for this new opportunity. The other leaders are amazing women, most of whom I don't know too well and look forward to rubbing shoulders with as we serve together. And the girls are wonderful. All of them. From Beehives up, they are good and sweet and loving and so desirous to be loved. There will be challenges and worries, but there has already been so much that is good and uplifting and FUN. I'm so glad that Heavenly Father knows what we need better than we do! I had the thought today that "life doesn't always turn out how we plan, but we can be assured that Heavenly Father has a plan for us." 

The day that the old Young Women's presidency was released and our new one was called was Fast and Testimony Meeting. A sister from our ward and mother to one of my Laurels bore her testimony. She thanked the leaders who had served for the difference they had mad in the life of her daughter and then bore testimony of the witness she had received that the newly called leaders were exactly who God wants serving at this time. But what I loved most about what she said was this, speaking to those of us who were just sustained, "You will have all you need to be all they [the girls] need." I loved that so much I wrote it down. What a beautiful statement that is true of service no matter what the auxiliary, and definitely true of our roles as parents. "You will have all you need to be all they need."

So, as I return to Young Women, I will also "return to virtue." I will strive to follow the example of pure and righteous women like Sister Dalton. I will try to be that example to the beautiful young ladies I will lead. I can already see how much I will learn from them and how much this opportunity will bless my life. What a blessing to be a daughter of a "Heavenly Father who loves us," and "to stand as witnesses of God at all times, and in all things, and in all places!"

My Big Kindergarten Kid!

Eliot started Kindergarten!! He's our first to go to grade school, and we're so excited for him! He's more than ready, and is off to a great start at just about a week in. Here he is on his first day:

 We spent quite a bit of time the day before searching for just the right shirt (since none of Mom's choices were acceptable!). He finally landed on a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirt.

I love the sweet expression on is face in this one.

When we got to the school, we were met with a pretty exciting scene -- balloons, signs, and even a red carpet to welcome the Kindergarteners!  All the Kindergarten teachers, principal, and even some of the older kids were out giving high fives while music played. It made the kids' entrance so upbeat and exciting instead of scary or sad. What  a great idea! Even as a reluctant first-time mama, I couldn't help but get caught up in the excitement of it all!

Eliot wasn't nervous at all. He was ready to start his new adventure! No tears at this goodbye at all! (From him, at least!)  Grant surprised us both by showing up during a little break between hearings, and he's the one that sent Eliot down the red carpet. That sure meant a lot to me and made it so much easier to walk away after dropping off my little boy. Still, there's nothing that takes away the surreal nature of that moment.

Zachers and I went home after dropping Eliot off and went for a jog and then home to make a surprise for Eliot: 

We took all the extras to his friends in the neighborhood who also had their first day of Kindergarten that day.

Overall, Eliot seemed to have a great day! He had a "no biggie" attitude about the whole thing! He thinks his teacher is very nice, he absolutely loves recess, and has talked a lot about a little girl named Katelyn. :)

Can't believe we're already to this stage, but it sure is a lot of fun!

And how am I holding up a week into it? The first day was so much fun, and I thought it was going to be easier than I expected, but as the week wore on, I got kinda sad realizing this is for real and he really will be in school every day. But I know it's time, and he's ready, so off we both go -- on to learning new things and stretching and growing!

Sunset on a Chapter of Life

Appropriately, the night before Eliot started Kindergarten, I walked outside and was met with the most beautiful sunset. It was one of those moments when I knew Heavenly Father was aware of me and the mix of emotions in my heart. That sunset was His gift to me to let me know He understands how it feels to let go of your children and trust they'll be safe and happy in a whole new experience outside of your care.

I took in a quiet few moments, and let the reality sink in of the change in front of me. I know it's not that big of a deal, sending your little one off to school. Moms all around the world do it all the time, and as far as I know, everyone comes out okay. But this is my first -- my first child leaving my protective little world, where I control all the input. I know he'll do great. He has a great teacher and goes to a good school. He's a sweet and smart boy and will make friends and be successful.

 

But it still hurts. It hurts to know this is the first step in my pure-hearted little boy shedding his innocence. He's going to learn words I don't want him to learn. He's going to see people do and say mean things. Some of those mean things will happen to him. And I can't stop it or control it. I know that's part of life and growing up, but it's rough on a mom's heart. In the week he's been in school, he's already had someone tell him he's "weird," and I've had to walk him through that. I hurt inside for him and wished I was more confident and courageous in assuring him that everything's going to be okay and not to worry about things like that, when, as a sensitive person, I understand how hard it is for a sensitive person to navigate this difficult world.

 

My comfort in all of this is that at the end of the day, he will still come, here, home. He will come home to the safety and security of the world I can control. I hope it will always be a soft place to land, a place where he will always feel comforted and happy to come home to do. The place I returned to after my little non-verbal chat with Heavenly Father about all this change business. It's a nice place to be.

Summer Learning Topics

It was only a few days into summer break when I noticed that my boys were squabbling a lot more than usual. My boys didn't really fight that often before then, and I thought it was just because Zach was too little and they weren't old enough to fight yet ... ha! It didn't take long for this naive/slow mama to realize that they needed some activities and structure to keep them occupied so they wouldn't kill each other! Necessity is honestly what generated the idea that ended up making our summer a really fun success! I decided to map out week-long learning topics and accompanying activities -- everything from water safety to dinosaurs to camping/mountains. Some went along with holidays and events, others were based on things I thought the boys would enjoy. Some weeks I was more ambitious than others; in fact, I started off with a bang and then kind of fizzled for a few weeks (and then the fighting began and I started back up again! :)). This post is a sampling of some of the highlights. I wish I had been better at taking pictures and documenting all we did, but I guess it's okay to just be in the moment and not worry about capturing it all in photos.

Here's what we did:

Week 1: End of School Celebration/Beginning of Summer/Weather. This week we mostly just rang in summer with biking to our favorite parks, playing in the sandbox/back yard, having play dates and eating popsicles, but I also taught Eliot about weather reports and what different weather symbols mean. I was surprised by how much he loved it! We made a little "Today's Weather Is ..." sign for the fridge, and Eliot enjoyed switching out the pictures to match each day's weather. We also re-learned the Primary song, "Oh, What do You do in the Summertime?"

Week 2: Garden/Plants. This was my super ambitious week. We made hand-made labels/stakes for the garden, painted flower pots, made muffin cup/straw flowers, made banana muffins in flower-shaped muffin cups, learned "Mary, Mary Quite Contrary," made an awesome visual aid for "The Prophet Said to Plant a Garden" to use in FHE, sample different fruits and vegetables and compared their seeds, took a walk to our stake gardens and tried to guess what kinds of vegetables would grow from the plants we saw, had a guessing game with fruits and veggies in a bag and the boys had to guess what each was blindfolded, and made fruit pizza.  No wonder I fizzled after that week! :)

Week 3: Zoo Animals/Families/Fathers. This was Zach's birthday week, and we planned to go to the zoo on his birthday, so we spent the days leading up to that learning about zoo animals. We made a list of one animal for each letter of the alphabet. Smarty pants Eliot came up with one for almost every letter all by himself! We introduced the boys to Madagascar, which none of us had seen before, and they LOVED it! I think I heard the song, "I Like to Move it, Move it!" twenty times that week. And Eliot did the funniest dance to go along with it. The obvious highlight of the week was the zoo trip. The boys also did a great job preparing fun surprises for Grant for Father's Day. We practiced "I'm So Glad When Daddy Comes Home" so they could sing it to him on Father's Day. Here are my handsomes that day:

Week 4: Birthdays/"I Am Special" We listened to the story "You Are Special" by Max Lucado and re-learned the song "I'm a V.I.P." that Eliot had learned in his first year of preschool. One of Eliot's favorite activities was looking through picture books and seeing how much he has grown. He wanted to do that every day for a week or two. I let the boys pick some of their favorite activities, which included making cookies, swinging, going to the park, inviting Grandma and Grandpa to our house, and playing in the water in the back yard. Things I wish I had done this week but didn't get to included doing a silly photo shoot of the boys, making "all about me" posters/scrapbook pages, and asking family members to share their favorite things about each of the boys ... next year! I did get a few fun pictures randomly one night, and I love how happy and sweet the boys look together ... yay for brothers!

Week 5: Farm Animals. This was the week leading up to the Lehi Roundup Rodeo, so this topic was perfect! We live close enough to open fields and horse property that all we have to do is walk around the block to see horses and cows and hear roosters and chickens! We sang and looked at books of Old MacDonald, watched the Lehi Stock Parade and of course went to the Rodeo, we learned the names of baby farm animals and made farm animals out of play dough (well, that was the idea, but it mostly evolved into making Angry Birds out of play dough ... which actually turned out amazing!). We didn't make it to Farm Country at Thanksgiving Point or read/watch Charlotte's Web or feed the ducks at Grandma's work, but again, there's always next year!

Week 6: Freedom/America. For the week of July 4th, we worked on U.S.A. puzzles, practiced the Pledge of Allegiance, talked about respect for the flag, went on walks and spotted the flag in people's yards, made Our Best Bites-inspired red, white, and blue treats for our family BBQ on the 4th and for our ward's "Walkabout" for which we were a host family. We played "I Spy" and looked for red, white, and blue objects, read our Fact Tracker Magic Tree House book about the Revolutionary War, and learned things I never knew before about the Statue of Liberty from this great book we checked out from the library:

Week 7: Water Safety & Water Fun. I found some kid-friendly packets online to teach the boys about water safety. The packets included coloring pages, crossword puzzles, science experiments about why things sink and float, and that guided our activities for the week. Since we have a canal that cuts through our neighborhood, I took the boys on a walk and told Eliot about the dangers of canals. He took it really seriously, which I think is a good thing because he's become a little over-confident in the water this summer. On the lighter side, we went to Seven Peaks as a family that week, played in the water table, met friends at the Riverwoods Splash Pad, picked out new bath toys at the store, and made predictions about whether several household objects would sink or float. Grant even pulled up some YouTube videos of old David Letterman segments (pre-screened!) of "Will it Float?", which Eliot was fascinated by!

Week 8: Beach/Ocean. This was my favorite week! I love the ocean and going to the beach, so my enthusiasm shone through all the activities we did, which rubbed off on the boys. We looked through one of my favorite picture books, "Hello, Ocean" by Pam Munoz Ryan. 

I asked Eliot questions to see if he remembered going to the beach in Oregon, but he didn't. :( We will have to remedy that with a return trip! Other favorite activities of the week included making sand castles, making homemade "sand dollar" cookies (snickerdoodles with sliced almonds, inspired by this post by my super-talented friend, Laura), made sand art, and visited The Living Planet Aquarium in Sandy (more photos of that in post to come). It was my first visit there, and while it's no Oregon Coast Aquarium, they do a good job with what they've got. We're really excited for the new facility opening later this year! There was a lot more we could have done with that week, so it's a topic we'll definitely revisit!

Week 9: Pioneers/Heritage. We had a special FHE about Pioneers and learned the song "To Be a Pioneer" and talked about what it means to be a pioneer. I realized Eliot didn't know much about pioneers or even covered wagons and handcarts, because when I showed him pictures and told him about them, he didn't know what they were. I found a book from my childhood, "Betsy Buttons," online and read it to Eliot. And, despite it being about a doll belonging to a little pioneer girl, he loved it (thanks to the exciting parts about Indians and buffalo, I think!). We went on a walk to our stake center, where there's a monument celebrating the Sesquicentennial of the pioneers arriving in Utah. I had had big ambitions to visit the This is the Place Heritage Park in Salt Lake and/or Temple Square, but a last-minute decision to go to Lagoon on Pioneer Day made for a busier week than planned. Lots more ideas we could have done for this week ...

Week 10: Dinosaurs. Also a very fun week. This one stretched out over a week and a half because there was so much we wanted to do! We made dino matching games and learned the names of several dinosaurs, we watched "The Land Before Time," had a dino egg hunt, "dug" for dinosaurs in the sand, played on the dino bone play equipment at the mall, re-learned the darling preschool song "Digga Digga Dinosaur," visited the dinosaur museum at Thanksgiving Point, made dinosaur sticker pictures, painted terra cotta pot volcanoes and made them explode, and made a special snack fit for our little paleontologists -- oreo-covered chocolate pudding with "dino bones" (graham cracker Scooby snacks) buried in it. This was a fun week! 

 

  

 

Week 11: Dentists/Dental Health & Mountains/Camping. Eliot and I had dentist appointments this week, so to gear up, we watched a couple videos on YouTube and talked through what might happen at the appointment. Eliot did great, and neither of us had cavities! To prep for our trip to Jackson Hole, we read lots of books from the library about camping and mountain animals. Eliot's favorite one was all about animal tracks. The best part about this week was experiencing the real deal and having the beautiful Teton Mountains as our backdrop. And Eliot could not have been prouder to have seen three moose up close and personal!

 

 

Week 12: Sports/Baseball. The idea with this one was to finish the week by going to a local baseball game, but monsoon season struck, and we got rained out! We still had hot dogs and Cracker Jacks, checked out books from the library about baseball and sports, and played ball outside (and inside, too), but unfortunately, a lot of our plans resulted in moments like this: 

At least they were getting along, right?!

Week 13: End of Summer & Beginning of School Celebration. Before summer was over, we crammed in as much as we could, including one last trip to the lake ...

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We also hit the snow cone shack a few last times,

played at our favorite parks,

enjoyed lazy mornings and relaxed schedules,

made cookies and visited Daddy at work,

went swimming at the Rec Center,

had our last Seven Peaks outing,

had family barbecues,

and had late nights with movies and Eliot's favorite summer show, "Wipeout."

With school now in session and having to come to terms with Eliot gone every day, I'm already missing summer. There was so much more I wish we could have done, and it all went by so fast! Good thing summer keeps coming around and I'll have lots more to enjoy with my kiddos!