First I have to say that Eliot's birthday was wonderful. We gave him cake (which he only gently mushed), he got spoiled rotten with presents, he played with his new haul of toys, and we all went to bed exhausted from a full day. Pictures and one fun blog entry coming soon. So if Eliot's day was so great, why did I feel sad at the end of it all?
I think what started it was I got my weekly e-mail update from a website that sends me information about Eliot's growth and progress, and until yesterday, it would always say, "Your Baby This Week." Yesterday it said, "Your Toddler This Week." And it made my heart hurt and my eyes well up with tears. All I could keep thinking is, "But he's NOT a toddler! He's still my BABY!"
And of course he is still my baby. But I think I just hold on to the past and especially to times that are so special to me, and Eliot being a tiny, cuddly newborn was one of the sweetest phases of my life. So it's hard for me to trade that in, especially when the thought of another baby during this high-stress, lots-of-change time of life is completely overwhelming to me, which leaves me confident we won't have another newborn in our home anytime soon (never say never, but still . . .).
I was fortunate enough to not really suffer from the "baby blues" after Eliot was born; so maybe it's my turn to pay my dues? Add to all of this that I'm almost completely done nursing Eliot, which has been more emotionally wearing on me than I ever imagined it would be, and I'm just a sad/happy mommy mess! So, other new moms, am I normal or nuts?!
Hard to Believe
Sadly, with all of the commotion in our lives last summer (Commotion? What commotion? We only had a new baby, packed up our condo, attended my three youngest sisters' weddings and moved to Oregon in a period of less than three months. Nothing big.), we never sent out birth announcements for Eliot. So for his first birthday we did a "then and now" announcement (thanks to my amazing friend Brittany, who designed it for me! A million thanks, Brit!). It turned out DARLING. I'm still trying to get over the fact that Eliot turns one next week. What an incredible year it's been.
Trying Not to Blink
I have no idea where the last year went. But here I am, preparing for my "baby" boy's first birthday. And needless to say, I am filled with a wave of new emotions. I'm soaking in the thrill of preparing and planning to make his day so special (which feels much like my first Christmas shopping trip to buy Eliot his special train from Mommy and Daddy). I'm overwhelmed by the rush of memories and sweet emotions that surrounded what we were doing this time last year in preparation for Eliot's then-unknown big entrance, along with those sacred remembrances of those first days and weeks when our little world stopped and revolved around our perfect little angel. I'm relishing in the joy of celebrating all of the wonderful changes that have come to our hearts and home over the past year. I'm amazed by the wonder and awe that my life used to not include my little heart-melting, personality-bursting Eliot. And the tears well up at all these thoughts and feelings, which have all served as a reminder that, as much as a young mom's life can get stuck in day-to-day ruts, time goes shockingly too fast. So I'm trying not to blink and take in every moment and enjoy my wonderful, happy, sweet son Eliot. My soon-to-be ONE-year-old.
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